


A single touch

by Shirohimesstories



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape/Non-con Elements, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-31
Updated: 2017-12-14
Packaged: 2018-07-28 12:45:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 35,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7640731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shirohimesstories/pseuds/Shirohimesstories
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(Shizaya)Raped by strangers. Yes. That's what Izaya was- That's what he would like to forget. But his mind acts despite his wishes. Why can't he stop the fear? The trembling, the cold shivers? And then there was Shizu-chan. He opened the door, the blond sitting there. Tears from crying stained the raven's face. "Why are you here?" PTSD, comfort, romance, UPDATES EVERY SECOND SUNDAY</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Why?

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Welcome to "A single touch" 3 C:**

**First off I will put a warning for the first chapter C: and probably some parts of future chapters-**

**WARNING: This story is dealing with** **rape** **and the aftermath of it, and as I tend to describe things pretty graphic no matter the topic, it might make some readers feel uncomfortable or even bad, so I will leave it to you to judge if you really want to read it.**

**Now, now, everyone who has been waiting for it and wants to read: Welcome to the first chapter xDD**

**First off, it is NOT Shizuo who rapes Izaya xD One reader asked me whether or not it would be him or strangers, and really, Shizu-chan would never do that in my opinion. C: He flips out in anger sure, but he would never hurt anyone that way. xc**

**Well then, I guess there isn´t much left to say xD**

**Thank you very much for correcting this SoylentRamen!! *0*  
**

**Well I guess that´s all I wanted to say-**

**Enjoy~! cx**

**.**

**.**

**.**

-๑-๑ ஜ ๑-*0*-๑ ஜ ๑-๑-

ஜ **Chapter 1:** Why? ஜ

**\---Izaya´s point of view---**

It was so dark.

So cold.

Quiet.

Hard, wet concrete pressed against his cold face. The shoe was long gone but he could still feel it press down on his face as if it were there, dampening, dirtying his cheek. Eyes were staring at him. Hands all over him.

Everywhere.

He wanted to scream. He wanted to deny this happened.

Panic had filled his senses when he got grabbed from behind- unknown hands on him.

He could still feel his body rocking from disgusting movements- even though right now,  no one was setting it into motion.

Wetness stuck to his body. It wasn´t raining. He wanted to puke but there was nothing inside his stomach anymore.

Only retching noises.

Nausea.

He wanted to scream.

His lips were trembling- his whole body was.

It was so cold.

He could still hear the words, repeating endlessly. Tears filled his eyes once more.

" _You fucked with the wrong people, Orihaha, now you are the one who is going to be fucked_."

They wouldn´t stop. They just wouldn´t stop repeating.

He begged them, he screamed, he offered them everything he had.

He could remember being held down, rendered motionless-

He could remember the fear.

He could still hear his own screams. His cries for help, his pleas to stop, but they fell on deaf ears.

He wanted to scream. Ask them to take back what they did. Ask them to forgive him, revert time to when he made them angry.

But they didn´t.

They didn´t.

Now no one was there.

Not anymore.

It hurt-

He wanted to scream.

Tears were tainting his face, even though he wasn´t crying anymore. He had used the tears up.

It still hurt so much.

Now his body felt numb, his eyes were dull, his expression stoic.

He wanted to scream. But he couldn´t anymore. 

It was dark in that alley. His eyes were opened to no more than a slit, barely catching any light from the moon. It was quiet.

So quiet now.

The voices and grunts had disappeared.

No one was there anymore. It was an ordinary alley- the one he always was in when he wanted to annoy Shizu-chan one more time when he got home from work. One more night chase, you could say.

The lamp in front of Shizu-chan´s apartment was broken- always had been, shrouding the alley in darkness as black as pitch. An easy spot to hide in.

He had been waiting.

Again.

He wished he hadn´t.

He wanted to delete what happened. It wasn´t true.

It didn´t happen.

...

He should move. Should try to get away. Get help.

...help...

Who was going to help him? There was no one. No one had been there before, either, so why would there be someone now?

He closed his eyes softly.

It was so cold...

It hurt.

Everywhere.

His senses were heightened, and he felt every inch of his body, cold, bare to the air, freezing - goose bumps were all over his body.

...

How long had he been laying there...? He couldn´t tell. It may have been hours, maybe just minutes; he couldn´t tell the difference. Everything was just a daze to Izaya.

After the third, he had passed out.

He didn´t know what happened then. He didn´t know when they left. He just remembered that when he woke up, it was over.

They were gone.

Curled up on the cold ground, he couldn´t get himself to move.

He was freezing. He wanted to grab his coat. Loosely it was connected to his right arm, the only thing left on his body.

He wanted it, if only to get some warmth, familiarity, comfort, but his arm didn´t listen. It wouldn´t lift. It was too heavy, too exhausting to even think about moving it.

He sent a glance towards it, thinking it might be stuck somewhere, but no. He just didn´t have the strength to move it.

For a few seconds, he could do nothing but stare at it.

Dirtied.

Bloody.

The hand was bruised. Laying there, limp.

He wanted to throw it away.

Again, nausea welled up as he thought about why that blood was there, where else that blood was- but there was nothing left to throw up.

...

Was he going to die?

He couldn´t help but think about it as he lay there. All his life long, he had been scared of death, of what would come afterwards.

But right now, being completely honest, he hoped there was just nothing. He hoped he just ceased existing, not knowing of his own self anymore.

A pool of blood was slowly but surely collecting on the concrete.

He was going to die.

And the worst of it was- he didn´t even mind. He would stop existing, stop thinking.

He didn´t mind.

They did what they wanted, and now-

He was going to die.

Get out of this body.

It sounded good.

No.

Tears collected in his eyes and he glanced across the street.

He didn't want to die like _this_.

Softly they trickled down his cheeks again.

He didn´t want that.

Not like this.

Not here.

Not because of them.

His fingertips were so cold, freezing- he couldn´t grasp the ground. He could barely move them at all. His arms, legs, head- everything was just numb. He felt like someone had used a strong tranquilizer on him.

Softly, slowly, he didn´t know how long it took, but he lifted his hand off the ground.

Moving it forward, a few centimeters, his fingertips curled as he set the hand down on the ground, pushing, trying to pick himself up from the concrete.

His body trembled, his eyes squeezed shut as he tried to lift himself.

Head hanging low, he pushed his body up, the coat shifting softly over his shivering frame, as if to support him.

Just when his other hand had slipped forward to help getting up, he didn't know; he was just glad when he noticed it was there.

It was only when he paused in his movement that he realized there were shards of glass beneath his palm, cutting into his skin as he tried to get up. He couldn´t feel it.

Gathering all his strength left, he pushed himself up into an upright sitting position- With a soft thud, his head leaned against the wall of a house. His eyes were still stuck on the end of that alley.

He didn´t dare look anywhere else.

Not into the alley, not at himself.

He feared if he looked down, he might just start stabbing this disgusting thing he had become.

There was no knife in his reach, but the sole feeling of that need was something he didn't want to experience.

Fatigue was making itself noticeable, but he couldn´t give up. Not here.

Skin scraped along the rough concrete as he tried to get to his feet. Holding onto the wall for dear life he tried to stay upright, but his legs buckled beneath him as exhaustion was taking the upper hand after all- making him slide down the wall.

His legs weren´t able to carry his weight anymore.

He couldn´t refrain from glancing at them in time.

Bruised, oddly bent, blood and another liquid he didn´t want to recognize trailed down his thighs- they were nothing more than a pair of useless sticks. Tearing his stare away, he tried to hold down the wave of nausea.

Quick breaths left his trembling lips.

He wanted to scream, but he couldn´t.

Desperation was filling his senses as he glanced to the other side of the street. He didn´t want to think. He didn´t want to know.

He could see the house from there. His destination. 

The brute´s apartment.

Shizu-chan.

Shizu-chan would do it.

If anyone was going to end his life, then it was him.

Not those guys, no. Him.

He would do it.

Just Shizu-chan. He would just end their fight like nothing happened.

Izaya always had planned it like that. He knew he would be his end one day.

Everything would revert to normal that way.

Nothing happened.

He could ignore it.

No one would know.

Nothing happened.

Knees scraping along the concrete, he pushed himself off the ground once more. The useless sticks were shaking, trembling; more than once, he felt himself almost fall as he held onto the wall for dear life.

But only one thought was revolving in his head.

Not here.

Not because of them.

He could ignore it.

Shizu-chan.

It made no sense; after all, once he was gone, it wouldn´t matter who did it, who did what, but right now, he just felt this urge to go over there.

Shizu-chan would be home.

He held onto the image of the angry beast.

He wanted to scream, yell the brute´s name, make him come out of his apartment already, but his throat was hoarse, his voice almost gone.

He had been yelling for so long.

One wobbly step- two followed. He had to let go of the wall in order to get across the street.

A few steps were done, approaching the sweet door.

He wanted to do nothing more than get over there, and yet his legs betrayed him. He felt his balance shift, knowing he would fall, and took one last step- his legs giving in and sending him to the cold ground once more.

Familiar hardness greeted his face when his forehead connected with the ground, but he was almost there.

Almost there.

He couldn´t give up now.

He had a feeling his consciousness kept fading in and out, because when he lifted his head once more, he was already at the doorstep. The door was open, but no one was there. He didn´t remember how he got there, nor how he opened the door.

It was dark inside.

Shizu-chan... was not at home?

A tear trailed down his cheek, but he didn't mind. He would come.

For sure.

He just had to wait.

Just wait.

Soft sounds, almost sounding like whimpers, caught his ears. It took a minute until he realized it was he himself who made them.

The door was closed, and the raven made his way towards the couch, half crawling, half trying to walk.

He would wait for him. Shizu-chan never stayed out.

He would come home soon.

Shizu-chan would.

For sure.

Warmth, and softness wrapped around him as he pulled himself onto the brute´s couch. His eyes fell shut as he slumped into the cushions.

It was so dark in the brute´s apartment. Izaya hadn´t had the strength to possibly get up and flip the light switch.

His eyes fluttered open once more. Being used to the darkness he could still make out the mess he made.

Blood, dirt- he had basically dragged a track of it towards this very couch.

And even though this situation was nothing to laugh over, or be amused by, Izaya couldn´t help but smile softly as he imagined a certain brute coming home.

... this ... would piss him off wouldn´t it? He got everything dirty.

Smeared his couch with crimson, spread his "flea" stench in here- he would hate it. With his very last actions he would piss the blond off.

As usual.

Barely keeping his eyes open anymore, he glanced at the clock.

_It´s late.._

He should come soon…

Soon.

Everything was dark, and warm.

Dark like in the alley, but warm. Shadows were lurking, and he couldn´t help but feel his hair stand on end, even though nothing was there.

Nothing was there. But that nothing was staring at him.

Not yet.

Not yet, please.

...

What if he came home too late?

He would die alone here.

Because of what those guys did.

And then they were there, the tears.

He didn´t want that.

No.

He didn´t want any of that.

He didn´t want it.

He felt like screaming, but his sobs chained him to silence.

His body was hurting and numb in places he didn´t want to think about.

He didn´t want to think at all.

He wanted this to be over. Not happening.

Wake up.

From a nightmare.

Shizu-chan.

_Hurry up, you stupid protozoan._

Shizu-chan.

Sobbing.

_Help._

Shizu-chan.

**\---Shizuo´s point of view.---**

Growling, the blond made his way home. It was pretty late by now, later than usual, for sure. And why was he coming home so late? Well, of course it was one of those guys’ fault!

Not only did that guy run away after saying that he couldn´t pay back yet, no, he did something even worse!

The second he stormed out of the apartment, he grabbed the bag Tom had been carrying and took it with him.

The bad thing about this whole scene was that inside that bag was the money from all those who had actually paid that day.

And to top that whole thing off, he hadn´t even managed to catch that stupid guy in time!! It seriously pissed him off, but he lost him after some street gang suddenly approached him for a fight. Fucking retards.

When he was done beating the shit out of them, the guy was already gone.

Tom said it was no problem, and that things like that could happen, but it really irked the blond a great fucking deal. He had been strolling through Ikebukuro, trying to find the man.

Without any result, though.

And this was exactly why he was so annoyed now.

No, pissed off.

With a cancer stick between his lips and a dark frown on his face, he made his way to his apartment.

It´s not that he had given up. But now at night, that guy could be hiding anywhere... he should probably leave it to Tom-san to actually find the guy. He was more skilled in that department than Shizuo. 

The sudden motion of someone bumping into his shoulder making his cigarete almost drop to the floor wasn´t exactly bettering his mood.

"You-!" but the poor guy seemed ot have realized what he had just done as he scurried away quick enough.

"Sorry, my bad," he said and disappeared.

Amost seemed as if he weren´t actually regretting his little slip up though.

Anyway, the more important thing right now was to find out just how the fuck he could get Tom´s money back- preferably all of it and not just a tiny amount that the thief decided to not spend yet.

Taking another drag of his cigarette, he turned into his street.

A weird smell filled his nostrils making him pause within his thoughts. 

He stopped, knowing the stench far too well- a frown appeared on his face and a vein popped on his forehead- Well, fucking great.

That fucking flea couldn´t have chosen a better day to piss him off.

His head snapped around, searching for that stupid smirk waiting for him somewhere, but strange enough, the flea wasn´t to be found anywhere.

The frown on Shizuo´s face lessened a bit. The smell was a bit odd, as well. Not the usual flea kind of smell.

It was only then that he noticed a trail on the street.

Something brown liquid looking was drawing a line from the alley opposite his apartment to- his door?

The blond frowned deeper, throwing the cigarette away as he shoved his hands inside his pockets and made his way over.

That familiar smell, other than the flea stench, he knew it all too well. Blood.

He swore if that fucking flea had dragged some kind of dead animal inside his apartment to piss him off, then he would fucking murder him- 

Heavy stomps stopped in front of the door, he didn´t even bother to get his keys- if the flea had been in there, there was no way he would have locked it again- and slammed the door open.

Darkness enveloped him, and for a second, Shizuo made something out on his couch. Something huge- the trail was leading exactly there, and with a disgusted expression Shizuo flicked on the light- expecting to see a dead animal there.

However, when he glanced at the couch once more- his jaw simply dropped.

The frown disappeared, eyes widened- if he were still smoking the cigarette, it would have fallen from his lips.

Izaya.

The trail of blood was leading to his couch. And on top of that couch... was the flea.

Only wearing that coat he always saw- beneath it, a naked Izaya.

Bruises were scattered everywhere over his body, purplish, black - blood, so much blood oozed from several cuts-

The couch itself was almost drenched in red. He wasn´t even exactly laying on that couch- more like he just gave up and dropped there.

For a second, Shizuo thought he was dead- but then his eyes opened slowly, revealing that crimson stare as he looked right at him.

And suddenly, those way too pale lips almost smiled as they spotted him.

"Shizu-chan..." He sounded so tired, just done. Two more words left his lips, finally making the blond unfreeze.

"Kill me."

 

-๑-๑ ஜ ๑-*0*-๑ ஜ ๑-๑-

**End of chapter 1 :C**

**Yes, yes, this was a very mean chapter, but rest assured C: Next chapter will be way sweeter, after all, this is about Shizaya and Shizuo caring for the flea *0* hurt comfort for the win hehe xD**

**Now, now, on a little side note for those who are waiting for "I want to stay with you forever" chapter 38- it will be coming out in August on Sunday the 14th ;A; I´m so sorry, but I´m kinda gone now for 10 days- in which I hope I can update next week's three chapters- and I already know I won´t have time to write the final chapter xc**

**Now back to this chapter~ I hope it wasn´t too hard to read xD but hey, as said next chapter is gonna be sweet C:**

**See you on Sunday the 14th~! *0***

**PS.: thumbs up for everyone who wants to kill the bastards doing this to Izaya xD**

 


	2. ஜ Saving the flea ஜ

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to chapter 2 *^*
> 
> Poor little Izaya... now, now let´s finally continue this C:
> 
> And actually punctual this time xDDD
> 
> Now, now, sadly this hasn´t been corrected yet but I hope my mistakes don´t kill you xD The corrected version will be updated once my beta is done C:
> 
> And till then~
> 
> Enjoy~! xD

  


-๑-๑ ஜ ๑-*0*-๑ ஜ ๑-๑-

**-Shizuo´s point of view-**

It was the flea.

Right?

His hands were shaking before he knew it- he couldn´t comprehend what was happening in front of him.

Izaya.

"Kill me."

The louse, right?

The flea- the flea that always annoyed him, the flea that he always said he would kill, right? The flea he hated and wanted to be gone from Ikebukuro.

The flea that he had thought was only pulling a prank on him.

No, no, but that- how?

He was-

"Shizu-chan- please."

Shizuo was frozen. His ears rang and he couldn´t tear his eyes away from the raven´s body.

His mouth opened, closed, but no words came out as those yes stared at him- pleading. He didn´t know what to do.

He felt like he was on auto pilot- before he even noticed that he had moved his hand he already held a phone in his palm dialing a number that he didn´t even need to think about as the phone pressed against his ear.

"Ah, Shizuo got into trouble again~?" the familiar carefree voice of a doctor both of them knew greeted him before he even registered the dialing sound. His lips almost moved on their own as he answered, his eyes still stuck on the raven.

"Shinra-" and then finally his mind unfroze.

It was the flea.

His enemy alright.

Izaya.

On his couch.

_Dying._

"Shinra. My place- now-" He shut off the call, not bothering to put the phone anywhere as he just let it slip out of his hand. Clattering it fell to the floor as the blond almost flew over to the raven on his couch.

"Oi, Izaya! What happened?!" He had fallen to his knees his eyes fixated on the raven, hands on the ground and couch.

He looked bad.

He looked really fucking bad- he looked like he was about to _die_.

To seriously die. This wasn´t a joke nor a prank, this was real- this was fucking real.

Izaya´s lips were too pale to just consider him as freezing, they trembled so bad, and the blood on the couch- he had lost a lot of it- Shizuo didn´t know how much blood a human body contained but it fucking looked as if he had lost every last drop of it already.

His eyes were barely open, fluttering softly as if it already were a chore for them to stay open at all and then...

He smiled.

He fucking smiled.

"You came." The words resonated in his head a couple times- Since when had he been laying here?!

What the hell even happened to him?!

Who the hell beat the flea up like this?! Who even managed to catch him?!

Why did he look like- like he was about to-

There was no way right.. Izaya wouldn´t..

"Shizu-chan..." The way the raven whispered his name made his blood freeze. It was such an airy voice. It even sounded just so tired. He didn´t want to hear it and yet he couldn´t miss a single word he said.

"What is it?" he whispered back quickly almost biting his tongue as hastiness took over, feeling as though if he raised his voice the flea would get even more injured.

A shiver ruptured through the raven´s body as his lips moved.

"... kill me."

_... what?_

Only now the words actually registering his mind. Izaya had said them before. When he entered the room, it had been the first thing he asked him.

A frown appeared on his face. What the hell did he mean? Kill him?

"I won´t."

"Kill me." Again the same words. The lips trembled and Izaya was obviously straining himself to even say anything at all-

Why!?

The frown only deepened, tearing his stare away from the flea´s face. He didn´t understand what he was saying.

"No-" The wounds- he had to take care of the wounds somehow- he was still bleeding, god he could see the various cuts, bruises- who the hell had beat him up like that?!

"Please, Shizu-chan." Pleading reached his ears but he didn´t pay mind to them, instead he shot up from his kneeling position, pulling out a cupboard under the table- he ripped it out, wood splattered to the ground, but he couldn´t care less if he just broke his furniture or not as he quickly tugged out some band aids he used to patch himself up with after a fight.

"Kill me." Again those words- he ignored them instead focusing on the injuries. the coat was still partly wrapped around the flea. His legs were only visible up to his knees, the waist being the next thing that resurfaced from the coat wrapping around his back and around his right arm the left being completely visible.

Strange marks were on them, long bruises, five of them in a row-

Five.

And then the blond froze.

He was about to put a layer of the band aid around a particular long cut along his shoulder to just stop the bleeding- when he started to notice them. When he started to see something that his mind didn´t want to understand.

Marks. Bruises.

Purplish, blue, and always five of them.

In one row.

On his arm, shoulder... waist-

"Shizu-chan." The choked sound made him snap his eyes back to Izaya´s face. Tears were trailing down his cheeks. "Why?" His voice dropped in volume making the word almost too quiet to hear as his eyes slid shut for a second-

"Oi, Izaya-" the blond reached forward, intending to shake the raven´s shoulder, but his eyes fluttered open once again a tear dropping from his lashes. His expression churned into one of pain-

"Why did no one hear me?" -and Shizuo froze. His mind forcing itself to not get what the raven said. To not understand.

Because...

No.

He didn´t want to see. He didn´t want to understand.

That didn´t happen, right?

"Shizu-chan." Again he whispered his name, the red brilliant eyes looking at him, emotions swarming in them that he had never seen the flea show. His brows knitted into a pained expression.

And then he let his eyes slip shut. The blond unfroze, his hand moving onwards from its position to shake the flea on his shoulder-

"Izaya?" but the flea didn´t move, he didn´t even flinch, just-

"Oi- Izaya!"

And then the door opened once more- a very familiar figure in a laboratory coat entering the scene.

The expression he wore was a partly worried, partly smiling one, his glance first falling on the blond of course. Because he was the first thing he saw.

Shinra was about to ask Shizuo why he had sounded so strange on the phone, what the hell that track in front of his apartment was. But when his sight fell onto the couch he was given the answer he searched for without having to ask.

"Oh god-" His eyes widened and he adjusted his glasses while rushing over to the already unconscious raven, his expression paling to a degree that would make a sheet of paper hide in shame.

"What did you do?!" the words were yelled, frantically, the blood he had seen... if it seriously all belonged to Izaya then his condition was more than just a serious one-

Shizuo was about to say something, say it wasn't him, wanted to say what he thought happened but... no he was wrong-

And then Shinra pulled the coat off.

More blood, bruises and cuts. It was a large cut in Izaya's side that was losing the most amount of blood, that was obvious now- and also something else.

The blond´s words got caught in his throat- he felt like choking on the sight.

He saw them. More of them.

Five in a row.

Everywhere. Five in a row.

Bruises.

Five in a row.

The table cracked from the force Shizuo´s knee hit it as he rushed away from the scene. Just away-

Out of the house.

Out of this room.

He didn´t want to see.

Bloody stairs came into sight as he stormed out of the room a cigarette wandering from his pocket to his lips- the hand shaking and he couldn´t stop it.

Hands clutched his head, as he let himself slump down on the stairs. The lighter fell from his hands as he tried to light the cigarette- sliding away from him, with a clacking noise, stopping right in that bloody trail.

The bloody trail.

He couldn´t tear his eyes away from it.

His eyes followed it despite him not wanting to.

It ended in that alley.

The dark alley across his apartment.

More blood. He could see it from here. There was even more over there.

He never thought something like this would happen.

He didn´t think...

That flea...

What if he died?

On that couch-

Right now.

What if he died now?

What if he was already dead?

The words didn´t stop repeating.

He couldn´t stop the scene from repeating in his head.

He couldn´t stop imagining those eyes when they whispered this stupid nickname one more time before closing.

He couldn´t stop seeing those bruises.

...

...

_... fuck..._

He frowned, he shot up again, he walked a few steps.

Just to punch the light pole next to his house that had stopped working after the multiple assaults he had started against it.

Once twice.

He took a step back.

What happened there?!

He punched it.

Just what?!

And punched it again.

Anger.

Incredible anger took over his mind he didn´t even know who he was angry at what he was angry for he just felt like fucking ripping someone to shreds-

The metal screeched, the pole started to bend but the blond didn´t stop hitting it. He didn´t stop-

_"Why did no one hear me?"_

The words made his blood run cold and his mind go into rage.

_"Kill me."_

Violently he turned the lamp into a piece of trash.

Only minutes later he stopped. Huffing, looking at the pole he had destroyed completely. The light was bending down in a weird angle- it was never going to work again.

Only when he felt an odd warm sensation on his fists he noticed that they bled.

Red stained the spot he had kept punching the pole in.

Again his hands found back into his hair, clutching his head as he looked back at his entrance. The door was wide open.

Izaya was in there. Shinra was in there.

Shinra would save him right?

Izaya wouldn´t die right? There was no way a pest like him could just die like that.

A cockroach like him would survive no matter how many times it was killed.

Dread started to fill him once more.

And then there was one question revolving in his head.

What if he had come home at the usual time.

...he wouldn't die no way.

Right?

Right...?

His chest constricted as he took a weary step towards the entrance.

There was no way, right?

It was so quiet up there.

What happened in there? What was Shinra doing?

Shinra was patching him up. Shinra would save him for sure, right?

Closer and closer the door came.

And then he saw the brunette- crying.

His heart skipped a beat, forgetting to breathe he took one more step into the room, now glancing at the flea.

Shinra was still doing his job. The bag he was always carrying around for emergencies was open next to the couch, dozens of different tools and band aids and things that Shizuo didn´t even recognize were displayed on the floor.

It was only when he noticed that the flea´s chest was still heaving up and down softly that he remembered to breathe himself.

"Shinra-" but the doctor only shook his head when he caught his name his hands basically flying over the raven´s injuries as he patched up one after the other. A weird little plastic back was attached to Izaya, countless band aids had been wrapped around various injuries and Shinra was just sewing another cut shut-

Only weary Shizuo felt his lips move, his eyes not able to tear themselves away from the unconscious raven-

"He will survive... right?" It was only then that the doctor actually glanced at him sadness and worry swarming in his eyes as he opened his mouth to speak but closed it once more. Almost violently he pulled his glasses from his face, rubbing his sleeve over his eyes to see more clearly. Blood stained his coat, the red on his sleeves now wandering to his face.

But then he paused and his eyes widened-

"Shizuo, come here!" the sudden order tearing through the heavy silence startled the blond greatly, but he moved instantly. Not knowing what the doctor wanted until he was right in front of him.

The man grabbed his arm, shoving the sleeve up before almost shoving a needle violently into his skin. A transparent tube was attached to it, leading to a little bag which also had a tube on the other side of it.

The blond blinked not getting what was going on when the blood started running down the tube.

It was collecting in there- the second the blood reached the other side of the tube which was in the brunette's hand, Shinra closed it up and stuck a needle into it before adjusting it to the flea´s upper arm.

Shizuo wanted to ask what the hell he was doing before the doctor interrupted him.

"He lost too much blood." A tear dropped from his face once more and he angry wiped it away, trying to focus on the task at hand as he continued to tend to the raven´s injuries.

The words made the blond freeze for a second.

"What do you mean too much...?" They way he put it left a really bitter taste on the blond´s lips, almost as if the doctor was trying to say...

Shinra´s frown only grew deeper, doing nothing to ease the blond´s worries as he answered.

"I don´t know if he will make it Shizuo."

-๑-๑ ஜ ๑-*0*-๑ ஜ ๑-๑-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End of chapter 2 C: Now, you can breathe xD the worst part of the whole story is over 3 Now there will be comfort, lots, lots, lots of comfort and sweetness and just Shizaya C: With a little bit of drama in between cx
> 
> For those who are wondering where "Behind closed doors" chapter 11 is, it will be updated within a few hours! xD
> 
> As for "I want to stay with you forever"- chapter 38: Naughty, naughty~ that one will be updated shortly after that as well~ C;
> 
> With that being said, I love you guys 3 See you again in "A single touch" chapter 3 on 28th August~ *0* xD


	3. ஜ Bonds of hate ஜ

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to chapter 3 *^*
> 
> Sorry I´m so late with this one, there was just a lot of stuff going on and sudden interruption ah well- life happens x'DDD
> 
> But now the update is here 3 For those who wonder, "No escape", as well as "Behind closed doors" will be updated as soon as possible- so i don´t know- uh tomorrow xD And sunday- I guess- I will still try to update the other chapters on sunday as well- So gah-
> 
> xDDDD Let´s see how fast I can write, ne? xDDD
> 
> Now to this story~   
> One thing I wnat to say before chu dear readers keep reading on- reagrding the topic of this story- I never, seriously never intended to hurt or be disrespectful towards anyone with this story. If anyone feels or felt offended by this, then I apologize, that was not my intention. 
> 
> Now now, let´s not hold you up any longer x3

  


-๑-๑ ஜ ๑-*0*-๑ ஜ ๑-๑-

**-Shizuo´s point of view-**

_"I don´t know if he will make it Shizuo."_

The sentence kept repeating. Repeating, repeating to no end.

Everything had gone by in a flash, way too fast for Shizuo to even really perceive what was going on- or maybe it was just his mind playing tricks on him.

He hadn´t been able to move at all, he hadn´t been able to do anything. Shinra was working on the flea's body, and at some point Celty turned up. He couldn´t even tell how much time had passed- the only thing that he paid attention to was the steady rising and falling of Izaya´s chest.

Seeing, knowing that he was alive still.

That he was still-

Shinra kept babbling about medical things, explained what was going on with the flea, why he was so cold, why his heart was beating so fast, his face so pale- it almost seemed as if he tried calming down by rationalizing everything he saw.

Shizuo could just stare at Izaya. Keep looking at him, and at the transparent tube that was attached to his arm. He was still looking at that arm.

Even though the needle wasn´t there anymore, instead a band aid had been wrapped around it.

And the flea? He was in that room.

Celty had come over before he even knew it. She wrapped her shadows around Izaya and together they made their way over to Shinra´s place.

And then he disappeared.

Behind that door.

Izaya that is.

Into the room Shinra always treated Shizuo in. The room with all the medical devices and whatever.

Celty stayed outside of it, together with him in the living room.

And so they waited. And waited. And the sentence kept repeating and repeating to no end.

_"I don´t know if he will make it."_

Hours passed, two, three, then four. Shizuo didn´t leave.

The constricting feeling in his throat just wouldn't disappear. And so he waited, together with Celty.

(It´s going to be alright. Shinra will fix him for sure.)

Wondering the blond glanced at his dear friend.

How did she know?

How did she know that Izaya would be okay?

She didn´t see what he saw, she didn´t hear what he heard, how would she know?

Time passed, but Shinra didn´t turn up.

Time passed, but Shizuo didn´t leave.

He couldn´t.

It was already morning again. He didn't even know what Shinra was doing- he didn´t even know if maybe Izaya already died and Shinra just couldn´t get out to tell him.

What if he did? What if he was already dead?

His throat constricted even more, but he couldn´t bring himself to get up. He couldn´t walk over to the door, look behind it.

He couldn´t-

He was like frozen on that couch, arms connected resting between his knees as he hung his head low. Celty stayed next to him, the whole time. She didn´t go away, she didn´t join Shinra.

He didn't even know why he was so damn concerned over the flea. It was just the flea. Just Izaya.

He wouldn't die right? He just got injured.

He had already been stabbed once, and Shinra also told him later on that he nearly died as well.

It was the same right?

No...

It wasn´t the same.

Anger welled up inside him and his hands tightened- he felt this incredible rage in his veins, way worse than anything he had ever felt so far and at the same time he felt so weak. Powerless.

_"Kill me."_

His eyes snapped open and he shot up from the couch.

He couldn´t just sit here- he felt like he was choking.

Celty hurriedly got up from the couch as well, she shoved her PDA in his face, obviously trying to keep him outside the room, but he didn't even pay any attention to the device.

He had to see the flea breathing.

His hand resting on the freezing door knob he opened the door after a second of hesitation.

And so he saw the two of them.

Shinra.

And Izaya.

The first thing he noticed was that Shinra was still crying- and his heart stopped, wishing for a second he had never gotten up from the couch-

His lips barely moved as he looked at the pale raven, partly hidden beneath white covers that were pulled up to his neck.

His lips felt dry, his throat sore-

"Is he-" it was only a raspy voice that left his mouth, breaking halfway as the doctor shook his head.

"He is alive." It was almost a chocked sound that left the doctor´s lips. He was just sitting there, next to the raven, looking at him, wearing this sad expression.

"Sorry I kept you waiting so long. I just... I don´t know what else to do anymore. I patched him up, treated every wound, he is alright now, but... " The constricting feeling disappeared from Shizuo´s throat.

Izaya was alive.

He wasn´t dead.

Izaya lived.

Only with slow steps he approached the bed he was resting on. The raven´s eyes were closed. He was sleeping.

The white blanket hiding what he had seen before but the image was burnt into his mind.

The blood.

The bruises.

Only weary he felt his lips move again, asking a question he wasn´t sure he wanted an answer to.

"Shinra... What happened to him?"

But the doctor didn´t answer. Instead his eyes avoided him, looking at the unconscious raven instead.

"I can´t tell you that, Izaya... wouldn´t want anyone to know that." Heavy silence filled the room and the bitter taste on Shizuo tongue only got worse and worse, the words itself already affirming what his brain refused to see.

"I don´t care, tell me Shinra." But he needed to hear it- maybe he was just imagining things. Maybe he had just gravely misunderstood.

"No." But Shinra shook his head, denying him the certainty he sought.

He could still see those lifeless eyes in his mind, he could still hear that faint voice when Izaya asked him to kill him.

"Shinra I was there. I saw the injuries. I saw... the bruises," his voice dropped at the last part and the doctor visibly flinched.

"Shizuo... I really can´t-"

"SHINRA-" All the pent up anger that he had kept contained inside him just bubbled to the surface- resounding in his words.

_Tell me it's not what I think it is!_

And then it was quiet, quiet for a time span that felt like millions of years as Shinra didn´t say no.

Shinra didn´t deny him the information, didn´t say he wasn´t allowed to know.

And then his lips moved.

"He was raped." They started dripping again, the tears, from Shinra´s face. The already wet sleeve found its way back to the doctor´s face, wiping and rubbing but it was effortless anyway.

"By multiple men. I don´t know how long it took but considering the countless significant bruises... Izaya tried to struggle for a long time." Almost chocked the words left Shinra´s lips and only faintly Shizuo noticed the dullahan move over to hug the crying bespectacled. But he didn´t stop talking.

"They stabbed him. Probably to make him shut up forever. It was obvious they didn´t want him to survive this entire ordeal." Shizuo´s eyes trailed back to the raven´s expressionless face.

He looked so peaceful... sleeping like this.

"He will wake up. He is out of danger... physically- but..."

But Shizuo didn´t even listen anymore after that. All he could do was to look at that flea´s face.

Just a few days ago he had chased that stupid flea.

Just as usual.

Izaya pissing him off and him trying to catch him. Just as usual…

He would wake up alright.

He wouldn´t die.

But-

...

Fists were tightened, teeth grit and he turned around, his fist violently connecting with the wall.

**-Izaya´s point of view.-**

Quiet.

Hah... it was so quiet in the room.

He was awake, wasn´t he?

He blinked, letting his glance trail around aimlessly.

Soothing beeping reached his ears from a strange monitor. Warmth was the very first thing he noticed when he became conscious.

A blanket was sprawled over him, cozy.

He felt numb.

Just- numb.

And yet he felt something.

His breathing was shallow, calm even. His eyes had opened only a few seconds ago- his stare was fixated on the white ceiling above him.

That white ceiling with the weird spot. Shinra´s ceiling.

He was at Shinra´s. He was alive- and yet.

He swallowed thickly only to feel nausea return to him as if no time had passed at all.

He could feel it. Softly, but surely.

The unpleasant feeling of unfamiliar fabric being wrapped around his skin.

Band aids. On his body. Everywhere.

It was unsettling. Unnerving.

A shudder ruptured through his body, he didn´t even know why he was trembling as he just kept staring at that spot above him.

Thoughts were trying to invade his sense, thoughts that he didn´t want to hear, that he didn´t want to think about.

Feelings that he just wanted to shove away.

He closed his eyes once more.

His brows furrowed into a tight frown and he loosened his unintentional death grip on the bed sheets.

"Izaya...?" The raven´s eyes shot back open.

Slightly startled his eyes snapped over to the source of the very familiar voice.

Shinra.

It had been Shinra´s voice-

He spotted the doctor, standing in the door frame.

For a second he felt like he was choking. Heavily he swallowed the lump in his throat.

"Shinra."

More than surprised the doctor closed the door behind his back with a soft thud. Ever since Shizuo had brought Izaya here he had been checking up on him every few hours- he didn´t expect him to be actually awake however.

After one or two more days maybe, but already?

Only slowly he walked over-

He was happy, Izaya woke up finally- but- at the same time...

"You slept for a week." Only slowly the doctor started to talk. The usually so cheerful voice sounded awfully soft and sad, even he was aware of that. He tried mustering his usual smile, but somehow he had a feeling Izaya knew it wasn´t a real one.

"I patched up your… injuries. They are healing fine. Especially a cut in your abdomen was worrying me, but it´s healing up nicely... do you still hurt?"

"I´m fine."

Awful apathetic.

That´s what Izaya sounded like.

The doctor´s expression fell and silence filled the room for a couple seconds. Only a few centimeters separated him from the raven now.

Fine.

Izaya didn´t look fine at all.

Disregarding the way he was injured and how his wounds were hurting still- he definitely was anything but fine.

Shinra had known Izaya for a far too long time to know what a _fine_ Izaya looked like.

What a _fine_ Izaya talked like and joked like.

Right not his eyes were just empty. Tired. The words were spoken in a voice that sounded like it was going to break after a few more words.

"... there is no way you can be _fine_." it was barely a whisper, that left the doctor´s lips, but the raven still reacted to it.

Izaya felt his ears ring and his grip on the bed sheets tightened.

The frown on Izaya´s face deepened.

He hated this- A feeling that he didn´t feel often started to invade his senses. Anger.

And fear.

He didn't even know why it was just there.

He didn´t want to be here anymore. In this room. With Shinra. He didn´t want to hear what he had to say.

He felt like he was suffocating.

"Izaya-"

_Shut up._

_Just shut up already._

"I´m going home."

"Wait, what?" the forced, yet gentle smile dropped instantly off the doctor´s face- but Izaya didn´t care. Out of here.

He just wanted to get away.

Ignoring the way Shinra shuffled over and tried to stand in his way to keep the raven from going the man pushed himself off the bed, the covers slipped unceremoniously off his body- he wasn´t going to look at it.

He wasn´t going to listen to the doctor´s rambling.

"Izaya-" no.

No, he didn´t want to hear. He didn´t want to hear him say something that he didn´t know how to deal with yet.

His legs hurt- very much so- that was the first thing that he realized when he pushed himself up from the bed, but he didn´t pay any attention to it.

His coat was hanging on a chair not too far from him- clean, obviously washed and he grabbed it quickly as he made his way over to the door.

"Izaya, please, just-"

NO.

The door was pushed open.

"Izaya." And then the raven stopped in his tracks.

…

It wasn´t Shinra who had called his name, no.

A blond mob of hair was standing in the living room.

The door was open, the dullahan that hated him so much standing in front of the man, holding her PDA in her grasp.

But she wasn´t showing it to Shinra or Izaya, no.

Shizu-chan.

Shizu-chan was standing there.

Wearing his usual attire, a cigarette dangling from his lips and his glasses in place he was just standing there.

Confused, and surprised the blond stared at the flea in front of him.

He had come over to Shinra´s, mainly because he wanted to check on the flea, see if he had woken up, if anything changed– but… he didn´t expect him to be awake-

Way too pale. It was the first thing that crossed his mind as he caught a glimpse of the raven´s expression.

He didn´t look good.

He didn't look good at all.

Izaya was staring at him, wasn´t even hiding it–

The air seemed tense– what was going on?

"Hey, Shizu-chan." And then all of a sudden the flea just moved- the words were whispered, hushed, he felt he just had said them for the sake of having said anything at all.

He walked towards him, and then past him–

Shizuo didn´t attempt to stop the raven. He was just frozen in place.

He felt like a child that didn't know what was going on as Shinra just stood there. He wasn´t telling Izaya to stay nor was he trying to hold him back, he just stood there.

Shizuo was confused and the door fell into its hinges- the raven gone.

Everything inside him was screaming at him to follow the flea.

"Why did you let him leave?" his words cut through the silence- the air seemed tense, even worse than when the flea was still in the room.

"He said he wanted to go home." Shinra mumbled.

Go home?

He didn´t get it–

"Like that? What about his injuries? What about... those guys? Who were they? Where are those bastards?" How could Shinra just say Izaya just wanted to go home? Since when did Shinra simply let his friends leave whenever they saw fit?

"I don´t know-"

The blond stilled, the words somehow resounding in his head and letting a feeling loose that could only be described as pure rage.

"What? Why did you not force him to stay?! Shinra!" the sole thought of these bastards running around freely out there made his blood boil– but Shinra just shook his head and avoided his eyes, guilty, apologetic.

"I couldn´t ask him the questions a doctor would be required to ask. As a doctor I should have done so many things, said so many things, but as a friend... I couldn´t."

Bullshit–

"So what as a friend you are going to let him simply walk home like that?!" Let him walk home, alone, in a city where these bastards were still running around without a care in the world?

He let him go home injured?

He let him go home looking like _that_?!

When there was obviously something wrong with him?!

"I think it's the best for now."

The best-

His fists tightened as he glared at the doctor. He felt wood splinter as he grabbed the door handle once more, almost ripping the door out of its hinges as he turned around.

"The best for whom?!"

And so he left- the door to Shinra´s apartment slamming shut– the door handle falling to the ground.

-๑-๑ ஜ ๑-*0*-๑ ஜ ๑-๑-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End of chapter 3
> 
> Gomen, gomen, the actual comforting part didn´t make it into this chapter yet- but next chapter it will be the first thing to happen C: I promise 3
> 
> And for the other updates that I´m still missing THEY WILL COME SOON! xDD Sorry I´m so slow naw- But I will still try to update everything by Sunday xD
> 
> 3 3 3
> 
> See you on Sunday the 11th ~! C:


	4. ஜ Just there ஜ

**Welcome to chapter 4 *^***

**Now slowly but surely things are getting better cx Sorry for being late by almost a whole day ;A; somehow time didn´t work in my favor xD**

**Also this hasn´t been corrected yet, please forgive my mistakes C:**

**Enjoy~!**

**.**

**.**

**.**

-๑-๑ ஜ ๑-*0*-๑ ஜ ๑-๑-

**-Shizuo´s point of view.-**

Step by step, iron rod by iron rod the staircase flew by as Shizuo hurried down the building.

The flea had only just walked out of it, he couldn´t have gotten far yet.

His blood was still boiling and his hands tightened in a fist. He was mad, incredibly so- but not exactly at Shinra, and definitely not at Izaya.

Somehow his heart was beating faster in his chest than usual. Storming out of the entrance he snapped his head around, his eyes searching for that all too familiar coat- and he spot it.

In just a second.

Not many people were on the streets, of course, they were at Shinra´s place, the area wasn´t frequented as much as Ikebukuro´s or Shinjuku's main streets.

The flea hadn´t gone far yet, barely across the street. Speeding up his steps Shizuo opened his mouth upon seeing the flea walk away from him - he wanted to call the flea´s name. And yet no sound left his lips.

Instead the lips pressed onto each other tightly. The raven was still walking. Slowly, but surely.

Shizuo couldn´t call out to him. Sure he had done that so many times in his life, yelling the flea´s name, chase him, and yet-

He simply couldn't. His tongue felt numb and his steps slowed down just the slightest bit.

If the raven turned around, what would he say? That it´s alright?

Really?

Sounded like bullshit to him.

He couldn´t revert what happened. The sudden realization of that fact slapped him across the face like a brick.

He couldn´t do anything- nothing at all. A frown formed on his expression and he grit his teeth in frustration.

He could _do_ nothing, he could _say_ nothing that would help Izaya right now.

And yet...

Fumbling in his pocket he pulled out a cigarette, quickly putting it in his mouth as he followed the raven quietly.

He couldn't just let him go home on his own like that after what happened at his house.

He wouldn´t leave him alone. Even if he couldn´t do or say anything at the moment he definitely wouldn´t leave him completely alone.

**-Izaya´s point of view.-**

...

Somehow his legs carried him home without him even noticing how. He left Shinra´s apartment, that he remembered, then he stepped onto the streets, and then? He didn't know.

His feet just did their work as he passed various shops and houses.

He took no taxi. Nor did he use any shortcuts.

It was sort of amazing that he didn´t bump into anyone he knew. But somehow he couldn´t bring himself to care, even if he did.

He just wanted home- that was the only thought his mind clung to, and it seemed he somehow made it.

Letting his hands slip into his coat´s pockets he realized relieved that the key to his apartment was still there.

He pulled the shiny metal out of his pocket, his fingers trembling slightly as he tried to unlock the door.

He felt so cold.

Freezing all over- no wonder, he wasn´t exactly wearing much. His coat and those patient sort of clothes from Shinra. All white. He liked black better.

With a soft creak the door to his apartment opened. Everything was dark. A light switch was flipped and the cold office light filled the room. Just as he left it.

Of course.

Letting the door slip shut gently he walked into the room. He could hear his own steps resounding- that´s how quiet it was. Usually Namie would be rambling, or he would be rambling to himself, creating a monologue of his own.

But now- he didn´t feel like talking.

He just felt like sleeping.

He was tired.

Walking by a mirror he got the chance to glance at himself.

...

Ahaha, he looked like shit.

His lips pressed onto each other tightly as he sped up his steps, walking to his bedroom. The cupboard of his room was almost ripped open as he pulled out its content.

A shirt was pulled out, then another, and another.

In a flying manner they left the wooden furniture as the raven searched for something.

The coat was taken off, falling off his frame and dropping on the bed, same for the weird shirt and pants that Shinra put on him and a long sleeved black shirt, black pants, a pullover with a hoodie quickly replaced the unfamiliar fabric.

And then he slumped down.

On the bed.

Silence dominated the room. It felt heavy.

The lights were still on and the cupboard left open. Izaya pulled his legs up, his arms wrapped around them, just sitting there, looking at the floor.

He was still cold. So cold.

The coat was resting on the edge of the bed. All clean.

There was not a single stain on it.

Celty must have taken care of those.

...

Everything was back to normal.

And yet there was this voice in the back of his head.

Nagging, not leaving him alone.

His fingers were trembling slightly, but no matter how tight he grasped his hands or rubbed them against each other, they just wouldn´t stop-

He wanted to sleep. Just sleep. And when he woke up everything would be better again. Everything would be fine for sure.

Pushing himself off the bed he walked over to the light switch.

That´s right. He would just go to sleep. And then everything would be okay again. He would forget it. Simply forget it.

And with that he turned off the light.

_***thud*** _

Eyed widening the raven´s palm snapped back toward the light switch, nearly slamming it into the opposite direction as he turned around- the lights flicking on.

His heart beat accelerated immediately as his eyes darted around- only to spot his coat.

It had moved.

From the edge of his bed down to the floor.

It had simply fallen down.

Slipped off-

"... ahaha... " softly his sweaty palm found its way against his forehead, "It was just the coat..." Unbearable silence wrapped around the flea´s empty laughter.

It was just the coat.

There was no one.

Just the coat.

Simple gravitation.

He swallowed hard, the lump that suddenly formed in his throat almost making him feel like he was choking.

He tried smiling at the ridiculous misunderstanding and yet- somehow the corner of his lips just wouldn´t move up but down instead- all the way down.

His eyes stung just like they did when he was sleepy and he lifted his hand to rub at them, only to feel wetness against his cold fingertips.

"No..." Surprised he recognized the salty liquid as tears.

"No, no no-" He wasn´t crying. He couldn't be crying.

"Ahaha, what am I doing?" Again silent chuckles left his trembling lips.

"It´s fine-" Violently he rubbed at his eyes, trying to ease the traitors away, but they just didn´t stop flowing.

"It´s fine." He repeated with a firm voice, almost scolding himself.

"It´s really..." he chocked, a sob cutting him off midway as he stopped rubbing his eyes.

The tears just kept dripping, rolling off his cheeks as he slipped them shut and he let himself slump down on the floor, the wall supporting his back.

He was shaking, he was confused, he felt angry and yet he could only cry- he didn´t know what to do.

The trembling wouldn´t stop, the feeling wouldn´t go away- he was fine god damnit- Shinra patched him up! He was fine-

And yet-

He didn´t want _it_.

The thought kept repeating ever since he woke up in Shinra´s patient bed.

He didn´t want it.

He couldn´t reverse what happened and yet he couldn´t stop the sentence form repeating itself over and over in his head. The tears stung, his eyes burnt- he couldn´t stop the tremors-

He said he was okay, he kept repeating it in his mind, told it Shinra even.

And yet he felt himself being not okay, so not okay he wanted to scream it out loud- but his lips didn´t move.

He felt like choking, the sobs rendering him soundless.

_***KNOCK KNOCK*** _

Flinching violently the raven snapped his head towards his bedroom door-

His heart skipped a beat, his hands starting to tremble even more as his ears tried to catch any sound from outside-

"Oi Izaya, I know you are in there…" -until a calm voice called Izaya from the front door. The knock came from his entrance, not from the bedroom door-

"...open up for a second." A way too calm and soft tune was speaking considering the person that spoke with it.

Shizu-chan.

He felt his heart beat slow down again.

It was Shizu-chan, no mistake.

"Shizu-chan..." the words merely left his lips in the form of a whisper. Two more droplets of salty water dripped down his cheeks but he didn´t rub at them.

He should be abashed by the fact that Shizu-chan was at his apartment.

That the monster obviously wanted to come inside-

And yet...

He couldn´t feel anything negative about it.

His legs moved before he knew it.

And then the door opened quicker than Shizuo thought it would. He had come to his apartment, followed him and now- he was just worried that someone could already have been waiting for Izaya inside his office.

He didn´t know who did that to the flea and he didn´t know how powerful they were-

But he certainly wasn´t going to leave him alone in that apartment when no one had been in there for days.

What he saw when the front door got opened though was something... he wasn´t quite prepared for.

The door almost flew open and for a second Shizuo thought someone else was standing in front of him.

He simply stood there, staring at Shizuo.

Izaya that is.

There was no shred of arrogance, nor any sign of that usual smirk, nothing.

He was wearing different clothes. A pullover, the hoodie pulled over his head.

Izaya had been crying- it was obvious, his eyes were all puffy, his sleeves and cheeks wet- and yet he didn´t even make any move to hide it. Not even when a drop trickled down Izaya's eyelashes, did he move.

The blond lowered his head, not wanting to stare at the flea like this-

"Sorry," he mumbled quietly slipping past the raven, into his apartment. "Just a second- I will be gone right away." And that was all he said.

Izaya blinked, not frowning though as Shizu-chan started to lift his furniture. His desk, his bookshelf, the couch, - basically he just heaved everything up and looked beneath and inside it as if he were searching for something.

He even went into the kitchen, the bedroom, bathroom. Izaya could merely stand there and watch, not able to make sense of what he was doing.

Until he turned around again, walked back to the raven, and slipped past him once more.

"Sorry for the disturbance," and with that he let the door slip shut behind him.

... and it was quiet again in the apartment.

Confused the raven stood there. Not able to make sense of what Shizu-chan was even trying to do just now.

The hand, wrapped by the too long sleeve pressed down on the cool door handle once more. The object opening with a soft creak.

He had expected to see the blond walk down the corridor, or be already gone considering the speed he left his apartment with- but no.

The blond was sitting there.

"... why are you here?" The whisper was almost too quiet to be heard. Izaya sounded somewhat hoarse.

Shizuo tilted his head just a bit, glancing at the raven. He was still in the hallway. Sitting on the floor, opposite of Izaya's door, leaning on the wall behind him.

A cigarette was already dangling from his lips again.

He had heard the flea´s question, and yet- he couldn´t bring himself to say anything to the flea.

Silence dominated the scene until he finally raised his voice.

"I will stay here." It was spoken quiet, yet firmly. Izaya caught the words right away, but the confusion they caused were only greater than his questions before. That was until the blond continued.

"If they come here I will kill them."

And with that Izaya´s eyes widened.

The door slipped shut. Quickly, not as gentle as before.

Trembling hands slid off the door handle as Izaya let his head rest against the cool wood.

"Them, huh?" it was merely a whisper, but his voice was shaking. The frown forming on his face again as he felt hot streams of tears flow down his cheeks once more.

It didn´t happen. He decided to forget it- and yet...

Closing his eyes he tried to calm down again.

He didn´t want to go back to his room.

He didn't want to.

He felt safer here than in his room.

There was a monster in front of his apartment. A monster that no one would defeat. And it was watching his door.

... he didn´t want him to leave...

Was he really still there?

Maybe he had been joking. Shizu-chan hadn´t looked like he was joking...

Leaning up just the slightest bit Izaya opened his eyes again, glancing through the spy in his door.

He was there.

The smoke from his cigarette was still drawing patterns in the air.

Shizu-chan wasn´t leaving or anything.

Just... there.

The soft sound of the door handle being twisted once again caught the blond´s attention and he lifted his head.

Izaya was standing in the door frame.

"Don't mind me," he mumbled, pulling the cigarette from his lips as he blew the smoke into the air, waiting for the flea to close the door again- except he didn´t.

The door was left open and the flea just stepped out into the hallway. One step, two, and Izaya was sitting opposite of Shizuo. Legs pulled up and hands folded around them, not speaking a word, his back leaning onto the wall as well.

Taking the cigarette from his lips the blond blinked, watching the raven, now a bit confused himself.

But Izaya didn´t speak up. He didn´t tell him to leave nor did he ask him why he was here.

He just kept silent.

... did he want him to leave?

...

... if Izaya wanted him gone from here he would say it. He wouldn´t beat around the bush.

If he wanted to talk he would start.

And so they sat there in silence.

No one speaking a word.

The raven let his eyes slip shut for a just a second.

His mind was oddly at peace.

He thought it would be more uncomfortable to have the brute next to him, the monster that always wanted to kill him, but instead it was oddly comforting.

He didn't force him to talk.

He didn't ask. He was just there.

...

Tightening his grip around his knees he tried to wipe the remains of his tears off his cheeks.

It was odd, he wanted nothing more than to be gone from Shinra´s place, he just wanted everyone to leave him alone- and yet he didn't want to be alone.

His brain really wasn´t making much sense right now.

He only knew one thing, he couldn´t deal with this right now. He hated to admit defeat, but... he just couldn´t handle this- he didn´t know how to he didn´t know what to do, hell simply his coat falling off his bed caused him to cry-

Even if he wanted to deny it and kept playing it over, he was not okay right now.

Not now.

Maybe tomorrow, but at the moment- he just felt like running away. Running away from everything. And yet he felt the need to talk to someone.

"Aren´t you going to kill me like you always yell you will?" Izaya mumbled quietly, referring to their usual chases. Only when the words left his lips he noticed the bitter taste they left on his tongue.

Kill, huh? Worst topic he could have chosen...

The blond glanced at him, making Izaya wish he just had kept his mouth shut after all.

Even to Shizuo it was obvious that Izaya was forcing himself to speak. Like he just wanted to chase away the silence. Shizuo swore- it had never been so difficult to talk to someone.

"I can do that tomorrow," he answered, almost as quiet as Izaya had spoken.

The raven´s expression relaxed a bit. Relieved that Shizu-chan didn´t say anything about what had happened. It was odd, he didn´t even know why that monster was here.

Sure, he almost died on his couch, but...

He closed his eyes once more, chasing the thoughts away.

It didn´t matter.

He was here. He didn´t care why.

"Are you that confident to catch me?" he asked further, trying to set up the smile he used to wear all the time, except somehow he felt his expression was stoic.

Catching the flea, huh? Someone obviously did before him...

Right now he seemed so small. Not like the confident man he used to chase through the streets of Ikebukuro. He didn´t know if Izaya noticed, but with every word he spoke he somehow seemed to become smaller and smaller, pulling his knees even closer, the hoodie slipping down, hiding more and more of his face.

Izaya was obviously not even comfortable with what he was saying himself. And yet he left Shinra´s place like that. He could have stayed, Shinra would have taken care of him, Celty too, even if she didn´t like him all that much.

And yet...

"Ne," he mumbled, making the raven look at him, "... are you okay...?"

-๑-๑ ஜ ๑-*0*-๑ ஜ ๑-๑-

**End of chapter 4 C:**

**Now, now I know all of you are probably just waiting for fluff and stuff, and yesh it will come a long for sure, but let´s take it slow oki? xD Just rushing in there won´t help xD**

**Well then, I hope the chapter wasn´t too sad or confusing C: Next time it´s gonna be sweeter 3**

**See you on Sunday the 16th~!**

 


	5. ஜ Proximity ஜ

 

 

 

 

 

 

-๑-๑ ஜ ๑-*0*-๑ ஜ ๑-๑-

**-Izaya´s point of view-**

"Are you okay?"

... _okay_?

The raven blinked, the words somehow just entering his ears to leave again in a matter of seconds.

His throat constricted, but his tongue moved before he knew it.

"Shinra patched me up, I have been injured worse." It was easy. This answer.

It was an answer he could give.

But he knew that wasn´t what Shizu-chan meant. He had seen him on his couch. He almost bleed to death there if it weren´t for Shinra. Physically he was _okay_ sort of at least.

Shizu-chan was looking at him. The cigarette he had smoked had long been extinguished. Hah, it was odd, usually his glances held that much more hate in them- but now? Now?

Swallowing hard Izaya tried to swallow the lump that returned to his throat yet again.

This was a stupid idea. What did he even come out here for?

Without a word he pushed himself off the ground turning around to his apartment- his hand touching the cool metal of the door handle-

"Izaya-" only to stop right there.

...

Silence took over the scene. Shizuo didn't know what to do. He wanted to do something. Literally anything- if just he knew what.

What was he supposed to say? Do?

But Izaya remained silent. Frozen in his movement.

Shizuo couldn´t read him.

He had never been that good at reading the flea´s real intentions in the first place- nor had he ever been good at looking through his lies- but right now, when the raven didn´t even say anything it seemed to be sheer impossible to know what he was thinking.

Shizuo had called his name- he wanted to apologize- he didn´t even know why, but he felt it was him that made Izaya turn towards his apartment.

_Was he okay_ , huh?

What a stupid question. It was truly what he wanted to know- and yet. The way he put it was just so stupid he could punch himself for it.

He had meant to express so many different things. He didn't want to know if Izaya was _okay_ god damn it- he wanted to know if he would be able to _cope_ with it-

If he could deal with it somehow- just-

If he could return to the way he was before this happened. It was incredibly selfish and stupid.

What did he expect? A yes?

A, " _Oh yeah I´m completely fine Shizu-chan_." Really?

maybe a don´t worry on top of all?

Maybe he hoped for it. Some snappy remark or the good old flea asking him what happened to his brutish behavior.

Hell he would be glad for some sarcasm on Izaya´s part-

It had been stupid.

Just by looking at the flea he could tell that he was not okay.

His eyes still glassy from tears, dark shadows casting over his eyes- it was just his entire expression.

And then there were the band aids, the injuries. He seemed exhausted and tired despite just waking up an hour ago.

...

Going to sleep would probably be best for his injuries... and yet he was out here.

With him. Not even hiding that he had been crying...

...

No.

He wasn´t okay.

It was obvious.

Shizuo didn´t know what to do.

The silence just felt too heavy. Thick.

And all because of these assholes.

Anger welled up inside him once more- thinking about how he found Izaya- remembering that plead.

How Izaya asked to be killed- it made his blood boil- his hands tightening into tight fists-

The sole imagination of someone catching Izaya, grabbing him by his shoulders- holding him down against his will, forcing him on the cold ground- and hurting him- _abusing_ him this way- he couldn't describe the rage he was feeling.

Whoever did that he was going to fucking murder.

He would fucking kill them. Of all the times he had yelled he would kill the flea he

had never had felt an urge strong enough to actually _end_ someone´s life.

It almost scared him to be able to feel this amount of sole murderous intent-

And yet- Right now no matter how badly he wanted to kill these guys, it wouldn´t help Izaya in any way.

This anger he had, it was only in the way.

The flea was still just standing there, remaining frozen. He had neither moved nor said anything yet the silence still occupying the scene.

...

Izaya was tired of this. To put it bluntly- he had neither the patience, nor the concentration to deal with anything right now.

He couldn´t get himself to talk to the brute as usual. Couldn´t bring himself to make up jokes or things that would irritate him- nor could he talk about what happened at his apartment.

He couldn´t.

He was just so tired. Confused- feeling sad, angry, lost-

He couldn´t even decide on what he was feeling exactly.

If he could just concentrate and analyze what was going on with him, working through whatever- then it would be sort of okay, but like this-

He felt like he was suffocating with every moment he tried thinking about what to do only to remain entirely clueless.

And tired.

Extremely tired and exhausted.

He just wanted to shut down for now.

Like a computer when it started to lag or didn´t respond properly anymore.

Just sleep- and shut down.

"... I´m going to sleep." Only barely the blond caught the words, as the raven resumed his movement and opened the door.

Weary Izaya stepped back into his apartment but he didn´t close the door.

He could very well feel the presence of the blond, as well as hearing him stand up from the floor. Izaya wanted to be alone, and yet he didn´t want Shizu-chan to go away.

It was odd. Confusing.

Like this entire mush of feelings inside his chest.

Lips numb he spoke once more- he wanted to voice what he wanted and yet...

"... do whatever you want."

... he couldn´t bring himself to say this much.

He couldn´t.

He couldn´t tell Shizu-chan to stay.

His lips just didn´t move in that certain way.

He felt as if something would break if he overstepped that line.

It was up to Shizu-chan whether he closed the door and left- or...

Weary his legs carried him over to his all too familiar couch.

Letting himself slump down on the piece of furniture he let his arm cover his eye lids, engulfing him in darkness.

He didn´t want to see. Didn´t want to hear, didn´t want to think.

And yet he found his ears sharpening, trying to catch what the blond would do.

_***click*** _

Softly he heard the door fall into its hinges- silence taking over the scene.

Tears threatened to fall as no sound indicating that he wasn´t alone now reached his ears.

He didn´t even know why, he didn´t understand his bodies actions anymore. He might as well have been laughing without knowing the reason.

And that's when he heard it.

"... tell me if you want me gone. I will leave right away." His voice, for once not yelling and thundering through the streets was fairly low, and deep. A gentle tune.

Not fitting monsters, Izaya found himself thinking as he felt the constricting feeling in his throat vanish. Darkness was still surrounding him, his eyelids covered by his own arm.

He didn´t need to see, to know that Shizu-chan approach the couch. The soft sound of cushions folding into each other met his ears- indicating the blond had sat down on the couch as well.

He was there.

Shizu-chan decided to stay after all.

He could feel the couch shift just the slightest bit from the added weigh on one side.

Shizu-chan was staying.

Just staying. Watching.

He was going to murder them. If those guys returned Shizu-chan would kill them.

It was oddly calming.

If anyone had told him he would feel at ease with the blond sitting mere centimeters away from him a week ago he would have admitted them to the next psychiatric clinic.

But now- having just the brute´s presence next to him was almost comforting in an odd way.

He wouldn´t go away.

He had no idea why. And he didn´t understand. but he was glad.

He was right there.

Shizu-chan was.

Right there.

...

Silence dominated the atmosphere. Only the soft ticking of what Shizuo made out to be a clock interrupted it.

Just that this time Shizuo didn´t feel the need to say anything- nor did he want Izaya to say anything.

It was a comforting silence.

The flea was laying next to him on the couch, one arm covering his eyes, the other resting a top of his waist. One leg propped up, leaning against the couch.

He shouldn´t pry anymore.

Shouldn´t ask unnecessary questions.

If Izaya wanted to talk then he would start to. If he wanted Shizuo to leave he would say so.

It was unnecessary to point out that he definitely felt more at ease riwhen he could actually see the flea.

... it was odd.

The sight of the flea always only set him into rage, yet now he couldn´t muster to even think badly of him.

He had framed him, annoyed him his whole life, tried to kill him more than just a couple times, and yet Shizuo couldn´t think bad of him.

Sitting here like this- it was far from normal. Somehow he wanted to act like normal- he wanted to chase the flea. Maybe yell a bit at him, have him run away-

Just... like normal.

Everything he did probably reminded Izaya of what happened- heck just him being here like this was something that only resulted from this-

He felt like he was suffocating in something that he couldn't escape. It was as if every sense of normality had gotten lost. It had to be bad.

If he were Izaya...

...

No.

He couldn´t even start to imagine what the flea had to be feeling like. He couldn´t compare this to anything he ever felt.

It would feel wrong- as if he were looking down on Izaya.

He had no idea what he was going through. And it scared him.

The flea hadn´t particularly been a man of sanity in the first place- not that he was crazy- more like...

They were alike.

Him and Izaya-

In a weird way.

They sought each other out- if Shizuo had ever wanted to seriously kill the flea he could have done it by now. And he knew the flea could have succeeded very well also.

He wasn´t stupid. He knew just how smart Izaya was and despite him saying that he always tried to seriously kill him, and that the _monster_ just wouldn´t die- ... honestly speaking their fights only fuelled the fear everyone had of him.

Izaya was never supposed to die.

He was never even supposed to get seriously hurt-

And yet...

There was this fear.

This immense fear that this might have been too much for Izaya.

And the fear, that no matter what Shizuo did- he couldn´t change a damned thing if that was the case.

"... ne, Izaya," the blond mumbled softly to not startle the resting raven, breaking the curtain of silence that had wrapped around them. He glanced at the flea- he still wasn´t looking at him or anything just laying there resting.

No response followed.

"Izaya?"

No reaction.

Slowly, without making the smallest sound, Shizuo slipped off the couch, crouching down next to the flea´s face.

The flea...

Was he... sleeping?

... he really seemed to be. His breathing had evened out and his forearm had partly slipped off his face, revealing closed, but peaceful eyes.

Really. He seemed to be asleep. The blond released the breath he hadn´t realize he held, ditching the question on his lips.

He was glad somehow. The flea needed the rest. Just barging out of Shinra's place like this- there was no way all his injuries could have already healed completely.

... falling asleep here on the couch, probably wasn´t the best idea though.

It was just the couch, he didn´t even have a blanket nor did Shizuo believe was it all that comfortable. And yet- ... right now he looked peaceful. He couldn´t bring himself to wake the flea.

As quiet as possible the blond stepped away from the raven, heading towards what he believed to be Izaya's bedroom.

The stair creaked for a second, making Shizuo´s hair stand on ends- but the flea didn´t move or wake.

Pushing down some clothes that were scattered across the bed he pulled the blanket off the mattress. For a second he considered bringing Izaya up here instead of getting him just a blanket- but the thought of waking Izaya up made him screw the idea.

The flea deserved some peace.

Gently the blond let the blanket slip over the raven´s frame. By the time he came back the forearm had moved away from Izaya´s face, resting at his side instead- and also something else had moved.

The hoodie which was attached to the back of Izaya´s pullover had shifted, now revealing the white band aid covering the skin on his shoulder.

... he couldn´t leave him alone like this.

Just. It felt wrong to do that. Gently, trying to not wake the raven, he grasped the soft material, pulling it up once more.

The couch shifted softly, when the blond reverted to his initial position on the piece of furniture.

He would stay.

At least until Izaya told him to leave.

-๑-๑ ஜ ๑-*0*-๑ ஜ ๑-๑-

**End of chapter 5 C:**

**I hope this chapter wasn´t too disappointing- I know not much happened, and yes there was no real fluff yet- but I think just going and hugging Izaya would be about the worst thing Shizuo could do at the moment... :C But lemme work through this C: I promise it´s going to get better 3**

**Well then~ I hope no one is disappointed and no worries- soon everything will get better I promise 3 I just don´t wanna mess up the pace-**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**ATTENTIONNNN TAT  
**

**I´m really sorry ;-;**

**There will be NO updates today-**

**this week just kinda didn´t leave enough time to write and on top of that i got some sort of huge, evil, cruel writer´s block -sobs-**

**The next update will be due to 6th November**

**Im really sorry to make you all wait that long ;-;**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

 

 


	6. ஜ Anger ஜ

-๑-๑ ஜ ๑-*0*-๑ ஜ ๑-๑-

**-Izaya´s point of view-**

Slowly the grey smoke breached its way up, forming patterns, swirls, all kinds of pictures as the raven watched it. It was just that, smoke floating up in his apartment from the blond´s cigarette, and yet it had something mesmerizing to it.

It might be simply because he didn´t want to talk to the blond that the sight rendered him speechless like this.

Shizu-chan was sitting there. On the couch, with the back turned to him. He didn´t notice that Izaya had woken up it seemed, well, sitting like that, without having him in his field of vision, it would be pretty hard to actually realize that when the raven hadn´t moved apart from opening his eyes.

Izaya had troubles recalling what actually happened the day before.

He had gone back inside his apartment, that he knew, he told Shizuo to do what he wanted, and he followed. And then, had he been that exhausted? He didn´t remember falling asleep or even getting comfortable.

Comfortable was really a term he didn´t feel like using at all. He might as well have simply passed out.

... he was surprised Shizu-chan didn´t leave.

A quick glance to the clock told him that it was already morning. Yet he was still there.

It was only then that Izaya noticed a blanket on top of him- his own blanket actually. It felt soft beneath his fingertips and he brushed over the texture. As quiet as the noise must have been, it seemed to have caught the blond´s attention nonetheless, as he suddenly glanced over his shoulder.

Once, twice he blinked at the flea before guiltily putting out his cigarette.

"Sorry- should´ve asked."

Well... it wasn´t as if Izaya minded that sort of thing. Not with what had happened the day before.

Silence took over the scene for a second as neither he nor the blond felt inquired to say anything.

It was Shizu-chan who broke it first, only by whispering though as if he were talking to a child of some sort.

"Did you sleep well?"

...

To be honest, right now, that kind of question just pissed him off.

Actually everything did. The question, that Shizu-chan was here, that he was on the couch and being pathetic- just everything.

"Don´t you have to meet up with Tom soon?" he asked instead of answering the question, making the blond blink perplexed not breaking eye contact though.

"Yeah, but-" Izaya wasn´t going to let him speak though. What did he even want to say? That he was going to stay? Izaya didn´t want him to though- Not anymore.

"What are you still doing here? Just leave already." He couldn´t have put it blunter than that.

Frowning just the slightest bit the blond heaved himself up from the couch.

It was... odd, to say the most.

He understood that Izaya didn´t want him here anymore- that was no surprise, and yet...

"Kay." He wasn´t going to stay if the flea didn´t want him to. The couch creaked as the blond pushed himself up from it- that didn´t mean he would just leave him on his own though.

"Just in case," he mumbled taking a pen on Izaya´s desk, putting down a row of numbers on a piece of paper. "That´s my new number. I crashed my phone again, so .. yeah. If anything happens you can call." Not that he thought Izaya actually would, but he felt better knowing he left the flea at least with something.

"Then again I guess you have it already, right," he mumbled, scratching his head awkwardly. "Just, call if something is up, okay?" Izaya didn´t even spare him a glance though. He was just laying there again, facing the opposite direction, demonstrating that he just wanted him to fuck off clearly.

And so he left the apartment, just like that. Silence taking over the scene.

A few seconds, then minutes passed, Izaya wasn't moving during them, just staring in front of him. The clock in his apartment ticked. Honking of cars outside the apartment was heard softly in the silence.

Only the pressing of phone keys interrupted the peace- Izaya´s fingers flying over one of his phones as he put it to his ear.

"Namie it´s past 7 where the hell are you?"

...

So first Izaya was just ceasing work and now he was complaining about her not being there?

"What´s with that attitude right in the morning huh?" The woman asked with a quirked eyebrow as she arrived at the scene ten minutes later.

"You didn´t appear for a whole week and I did your work so you better be grateful." If anything she deserved an award for working for such a difficult asshole. Being snappy right in the morning and glaring at her the second she entered the room- now Izaya was really being a magnificent boss.

The raven merely frowned at her cocky response- he looked sick of some sort exhausted in a sense. With a frown Namie noticed that there was a blanket on the couch- did he sleep on that or what?

"What´s there to be grateful for, you probably did a shitty job anyway." His glare being returned the woman´s lips pressed together into a tight line.

"Hoh, are we in a bad mood? What are you even wearing- And there I thought your shitty coat was fancy enough as it was." His eyes narrowing just the slightest he returned to his usual seat in front of his computer.

"How about you quit the small talk and just start your damn work?" Blinking at the odd exception of Izaya swearing the woman shrugged, noting this argument as a victory on her part.

For a little while their typing of keys was the only sound being heard from the raven and the woman.

"So what happened? Got stabbed again or something?" Izaya´s finger´s stilled above the keyboard, hovering over the device. Eyebrow raised in amusement the woman continued, she was quite intrigued after all. It had been a full week of Izaya missing and no one knowing where he went. "maybe even shot? You do look like shit. I bet you stayed at Kishitani´s place so it must have been something serious at least."

A frown crossed the raven´s face, he didn´t turn to look at her, however. His fingers were still hovering above his keyboard.

Something serious, huh?

"Did one of the yakusa guys finally do you in, or what?"

_Shut up._

The raven´s fingers curled slightly.

How fucking happy she sounded. Like she enjoyed this- hah yeah, she probably did. If she knew what had really happened she would be happy about it.

It made him feel mad and sick to the stomach all the same.

"Wished for my death, huh?" Weary his lips moved, missing the usual sharpness of his tongue. Instead a soft hint of a feeling as if someone had punched him in the guts assaulted him. He wasn´t exactly nauseous, but there was this hole making him feel as though he were falling despite sitting in his chair.

"Wouldn´t have been the greatest loss for humanity," the woman shrugged simply, sorting through a stack of papers.

Of course she would say something like that.

"You are really a heartless person, you know that?" Namie snorted, quirking an eyebrow at the unusually talkative informant.

"Says the person that´s hated by the entire population of Japan." It wasn´t everyday that Izaya talked this much. Even though he looked like shit, he seemed to be fine. Well as fine as an asshole could be.

"Well, at least I´m not disgusting." Blinking the woman paused upon catching the words.

"Huh?" She turned to face her boss who had set up this usual smirk he always showed everyone whenever he had dug up some dirt on them.

"Pedophilic Namie-chan, wanting to fuck her brother, now if that´s not gross then I wonder what is."

Pedophilic-

The woman´s eyes narrowed to tiny slits as she glared at the raven.

"Shut the fuck up." But the man didn´t stop, no. Instead the grin just grew wider and he leaned back in his chair, facing the woman as he continued, "I bet you masturbate to some family picture, gross if you ask me, you do know that he will never look at you that way, right?" Nodding to himself the raven hummed, closing his eyes as he laughed, laughed so much because she fucking deserved this. That´s right.

"I wonder what it feels like- knowing that Mika is probably getting fucked by Seiji, and yet you keep stalking him, watching him-" he snorted, leaning back in his chair as he stared at the ceiling- somehow the thought was hilarious to him. "Did you install cameras in his room? Are you getting off to watching those two fu-"

_***SLAP*** _

...

The raven blinked.

Once, twice- then he turned his head slowly. He hadn´t even realized Namie got up, no scratch that, he didn´t even realize how she walked up to him. She was heaving, her left hand still risen standing there next to him.

Her eyes looked glassy, as if a tear were about to drop from her lashes.

Izaya could feel his cheek sting softly.

He rose his palm, touching the heated skin as the woman turned on her heels and walked back to her desk. Angry, if not furious she grabbed whatever she could with her two hands and stormed towards the front door.

"Oi, where are you going?" the raven frowned, glared, his eyes turning to slits as he watched her walk to the entrance.

Not a single word left her lips as she slammed the door shut.

And then it was quiet again.

...

Still a bit perplex and confused the raven kept staring at the door.

Had she really just slapped him?

His cheek still felt hot.

"Bitch." The raven frowned, but didn´t pay any mind to it as he turned back to his computer screen. He didn´t need that woman around, he had been pretty fine doing his work on his own, so what if she just left? She would see what she got for spouting so much bullshit.

He would simply cut her payment like he always did when she behaved too cocky to his liking.

His fingers typed away at the keyboard once more, the clacking sounds filling the now so very silent apartment once more. Work.

That was the only thing on his mind at the moment.

Just continued work.

The only other sound joining the typing, was the ticking of the clock in his apartment.

_***Tick tock*** _

_***Clack clack*** _

The raven paused typing, having finished a sentence. Silence.

Then again.

_***Tick tock*** _

_***Clack clack*** _

And so he kept writing. He wrote a few sentences. Then a few words, letters, until his hands suddenly stopped typing.

And it was so quiet the raven could hear his own breathing.

Way too quiet-

It made him feel uneasy. His hair stood on ends and he kept stopping to write in order to be able to catch if any other, different noise reached his ears. The apartment was empty of course though. There was nothing to be heard except for the noise he made.

A silly feeling assaulting him, making him almost laugh. Acting like this it reminded him of how he acted when he was a child, when he had been scared of something.

Be it a silly horror movie or a scary advertisement, there had been times he had been afraid. But not now.

No, no, no.

It was ridiculous.

Trying to ignore the way his mouth went dry he tried to swallow the lump forming in the back of his throat. Everything was fine. He was just working, working as usual.

And yet there was this impending feeling of dread overwhelming his senses more with every letter he typed-

It was fine-

He was just alone in his apartment.

Just...

He swallowed, the hands leaving off the keyboard for a second as he pulled his phone from his pocket.

"Oi Namie," his voice creaked softly as the raven spoke, already having dialed his secretary´s number as the phone found its way to his ear- "come back." He wasn´t met with an answer though as the woman simply hung up on him. The beeping noise greeting the raven instead.

The man frowned, a hand finding its way to his forehead as he took another one of his phones, one that wouldn´t show his name when he called the woman, out of the drawer beneath his desk.

He went too far... he realized that, and yet-

Dialing again he pressed the phone against his ear- a soft clacking tune was being heard as the woman picked up the phone.

"Hello?" Izaya didn´t think he would be this relieved to hear the woman´s voice.

"Before you hang up again, I didn´t mean it, I apologize, okay? So-"

"Go die, Izaya."

_***beep* *beep*** _

He didn´t get to say another word. The line dying. Light headed the raven stared at his phone´s screen. She wasn´t coming back-

No, she had to, he even apologized.

He didn´t mean it okay? He really didn´t- he knew he acted like an asshole-

Taking out another one of his ten phones he dialed the woman´s number again-

Please.

He just wanted her to sit on that couch and continue her work. She didn´t even need to do anything or say anything- just-

Please-

But again his ear was only met with silence- the woman not even picking up.

_***CRACK*** _

The phone being thrown violently across the apartment.

**-Shizuo´s point of view. Shinjuku.-**

"Shizuo." Surprised the doctor stood there, one hand on the door handle the other still resting in his lab coat´s pocket. Of all the people he had expected to see in his entrance right now, Shizuo definitely wasn´t one of them.

"Hey," the blond mumbled, adjusting the sunglasses on his nose. "Sorry... about yesterday," he continued, rubbing his neck a tad guilty. "I didn´t mean it that way."

With watching Izaya all night long he had had quite the fair amount of time to think about the most recent events- and to be honest, even he realized that he had been a bit unfair to the doctor.

It wasn´t like Shinra would even be mad at him for it, he knew that much, but he still felt like apologizing for the things he said. After all, he didn´t know any better what was good for the flea and what not.

"It´s alright," Shinra mumbled, smiling a bit as he stepped away from the entrance to let the blond in. With slow steps he entered, realizing that Celty didn´t seem to be there.

"About Izaya ... did you see him?" It was the brunette friend that had asked him that. Shizuo nodded a bit hesitant.

"I stayed over at his apartment, just making sure he wouldn´t get in trouble you know." And he would have continued that if the flea had just let him. "he kicked me out in the morning though."

Shizuo still felt like he should have stayed.

"Shizuo..." the doctor started, clearly taking on a hesitant tune, "Don´t take this the wrong way, but… why don´t you just leave him alone? You hate him. And I doubt you have any special knowledge on how to treat... you know-" the doctor faded out, not wanting to put what had happened to the flea into words.

Even Shizuo had to admit that what Shinra said wasn´t exactly wrong.

"Everyone was scared of me you know," the blond started, "Izaya saw me at my worst and still didn´t run away. It was really annoying and yet- whenever our chases ended, I don´t know… I felt better." Shizuo slipped his hands into his pockets, leaning against the wall as the doctor listened.

He had never told this anyone. He hadn´t even put it into words like this before.

"You could almost say I was glad he was there for me to let my anger out on. No matter what I did or said he was always there. If not on him, maybe I would have ended up killing someone someday…" Shinra frowned, shaking his head.

"Shizuo- I don´t think you would have killed anyone-" he objected, but Shizuo only shook his head at that.

"I don´t think when I get mad Shinra. I couldn´t even say for sure if I would never kill anyone. Just when I think about those assholes that did this to him I want to kill them so bad-" The thought of them still running around free, not giving a shit about anything, enjoying their shitty lives, it pissed him off so much he couldn´t even put it into words.

"I was thankful for the flea being there. Sure he annoyed me and yeah I always yelled how I hated him and how I was going to murder him, but actually he was helping me. I don´t know if he was aware of it. But even if he wasn´t, I want to help him now in return." He couldn´t leave him alone, not like this- not when he obviously needed someone for once.

"You know, that almost makes it sound like you think of him more like a friend than a fiend."

...

The blond blinked at the way Shinra put it- then he just frowned slightly, but not because he was angry, no.

Rather because he realized how right Shinra might be. A friend, huh?

He certainly never looked at it from that perspective.

And yet- Izaya was never actually supposed to disappear. Sure he could be annoying, seriously annoying, that rage had never been faked, but he wasn´t meant to actually be caught and be dealt with.

"Yeah... maybe."

A friend huh-

A friend wouldn´t leave Izaya alone all on his own like he did.

Turing around the blond faced Shinra´s door once more-

"I should go." He only just arrived and yet, thinking about this now, having Shinra say this, he felt as though he should have stayed with that stubborn flea after all. No matter how much he seemed to be fine or tried to act like he was, his guts had told him all along that it was all just a farce.

"To Izaya?" A short nod followed.

"I just want to make sure he is as fine as he pretends to be." The doctor sighed softly rubbing his temples. He just wished he knew how to help his old friend. But this sort of thing... he had neither the medical knowledge nor did he feel like he would be able to.

"... just... don´t force him to say or do anything," he mumbled, as a last piece of advice.

"Wasn´t my intention."

**To be continued C:**

**I hope this chapter was oki C: next chapter will be sorta bitter sweet**

**Sorry everyone for not being on time recently -sobs- I´m trying to get everything into the right order again now C':**

**"The wish to disappear" Will be up tomorrow for sure! Sorry for the delay there too xc**

**And on Sunday there will be "No escape" 13, "Survival of the doomed" 17 and "Sinful Desire" 7 C:**

**Also, also I drew a Halloween Shizaya picture! xD I totally forgot to say that C': If you wanna check it out, it´s on the "Story pictures and stuff C; C:" story C: xD on chapter 4 C: I will be adding something written there too xD once I´m done with the chappies that is xD**

**Well then, see you in the next chappy of ast on Sunday the 20th~ *0***


	7. ஜ Help me ஜ

-๑-๑ ஜ ๑-*0*-๑ ஜ ๑-๑-

**-Shizuo´s point of view-**

A slight frown crossed the man´s face as he stepped out of the doctor´s apartment. Cold raindrops met his skin, rolling down his cheek. He blinked as he rose a palm to protect his face from the falling rain.

He knew it was autum, but it was seriously raining way too often recently. Quiet but steady raindrops were falling from the sky, turning the pavement and street into make shift mirrors.

Looking down he stared into the eyes of his own reflection.

As he thought, he couldn´t just stay put.

He knew Izaya, he had been accompanying his live for so long, he was like the hated brother that always kept teasing and annoying him.

And if he knew just one thing about Izaya, then it was that he was always the one above things. Arrogant maybe, always thinking he had to be superior. That narcissist flea.

He wouldn't be surprised if Izaya thought he had to deal with this like the _god_ he was.

It was the thought, of what trying to deal with it and realizing he couldn´t, would do to the flea, that scared Shizuo.

With firm steps the blond headed for Izaya´s home-

Except he didn´t get far.

Thinking he was seeing things the blond stopped only a few steps, looking to the other side of the street.

His mind had to play tricks on him.

Through the showering rain Shizuo could make out a figure. Something small like a shadow, for a second he thought it was a child.

Sitting there in the pouring rain.

But no.

There he was hunched, over, sitting on a bench, the rain soaking his hair.

"Izaya…?" It was just a whisper that left the blond´s lips, it made him wonder if the person had even heard him through the constant dripping and dropping thrumming noise of the rain.

The figure moved only barely, yet indicating that he had heard his name being called. Squinting his eyes the blond walked across the street. A car honked at him for just walking there but he didn't really care about that as the man in front of him took on a clearer and clearer shape.

Slowly but surely Shizuo could make out that familiar raven hair, the furry coat- it was no mistake.

That was Izaya after all-

He had reached the pavement, now standing in front of the raven.

Izaya wasn´t looking at him. His hands were folded, holding onto each other as he just stared at the wet ground.

The blond´s throat felt constricted. He felt he was being too intrusive and yet-

"Izaya- What are you doing here?" it was barely a whisper, not even a trace of the usual anger was layered in there. He could still remember how Izaya had sent him away- he didn´t want to see him, he probably didn´t want to see anyone.

So why was he here-?

In front of Shinra´s apartment nonetheless- A sudden thought crossed his mind and a worried frown crossed his expression.

"Are you hurt?" The way the words were breathed in worry Izaya almost had to smile at the irony. Shizu-chan, huh? Of all people he had expected to meet he was for once not really on top of the list.

Shinra maybe, or Celty probably before the doctor even.

Izaya didn´t give any answer-

Scanning the man Shizuo looked at the flea, searching for any sight of injuries, there were not any he could spot, however.

The flea was just sitting there getting drenched. No saying a single word. How unusual for the usually so talkative flea. It was worrying.

Sitting in front of Shinra's apartment, maybe he just couldn´t get farther than that-

But no. Shizuo almost felt as if ages had passed until the flea moved his head, shaking it softly, answering his question that way.

.. so he wasn´t injured. Shizuo didn't know whether t feel relieved about that or even more worried.

"Why aren´t you home?" he almost whispered, saying it so quietly he wondered for a second if the raven had even hear him talk.

...

The raven´s expressionless face twitched just in the slightest.

Why he wasn´t home... huh?

Izaya felt his throat constrict at the sole question. He wasn´t home.. that´s right- because.. because he just couldn´t be.

This was so messed up, too messed up to explain- for once Izaya was the one to know just how he could make sense of himself. All his rationalizing didn´t help in the slightest-

How? Just how was he supposed to answer when he felt like choking on the words?

The blond crouched down, trying to face the flea at least if he wasn´t answering-

"Iza-" the name got stuck in the blond´s throat as he caught a glimpse of the raven´s face, however.

It had been raining, the whole time, the flea was drenched to the bone, his whole face wet and yet now that he took a closer look at him he saw that clear liquid roll down Izaya's cheeks.

It wasn´t rain.

The raven lowered his head even more, the hoodie slipping further into his face as if to try and stop the blond from looking.

"... why are you crying?"

Why, huh?

If he knew that sort of thing- he would gladly give the blond an answer. Really, he would tell him. If he could make sense of it. But that just wasn´t the case-

Softly, but surely little giggles escaped his lips as he started laughing- the tears were still running down his face and he didn´t feel any better and yet-

"I don´t know Shizu-chan. Really, isn´t it hilarious?" He couldn´t hold the words back as they bubbled from his chest.

"I snap at everyone even though I don´t want to, I cry without knowing why, and then again I just laugh- I think I´m really going crazy now Shizu-chan." Even he knew what he said to Namie wasn't right- he knew he overstepped some boundaries there, he knew something was wrong, and yet he just wished he could stop thinking about it.

"I don´t think you are crazy." The words made the raven blink softly. He swallowed, trying to get rid of the lump in his throat as he looked up at the blond.

He was expecting some more words, thinking for once that maybe someone else apart from him might know the solution for something. The blond, however, remained silent.

Maybe he just didn´t know what to say or perhaps he just didn´t want to accidentally say the wrong thing- Izaya didn´t know.

...

He had asked him a question, hadn´t he?

Why, he asked.

Why he was crying.

...

He was crying because of how frustrated he was. He was used to be the one in control of everything- of other people, other people´s feeling and sometimes even thoughts if he was really good, but especially he should be in control of his own feelings.

And yet the control had just slipped away from him like that.

He just wanted to work, stay in his office and get some shit done. But then Namie disappeared, and just...

"... I just can´t stay home alone." It had to sound pathetic to admit this sort of thing. He felt stupid for even saying it out loud. His rationality was battling with his feelings in his mind. He was trying to make sense of everything and take the fear away that way, but... for some reason that didn´t seem to work, he almost felt as if there were two Izaya battling over who was right and who not. "I don´t know why, I just can´t- I feel like I´m suffocating in that apartment." He tried to curl his lips into a smile but somehow the all too familiar grin wasn´t manageable at the moment.

He felt his throat constrict at his own words, he didn´t need to be a genius to know he was on the verge of tears yet again.

He had been walking here, thinking about going to Shinra, he wasn´t welcomed anywhere else, and he didn´t want to go anywhere alien.

But then again he didn´t want to face Shinra.

"Ridiculous isn´t it?" Izaya mumbled, head hanging low as the grip on his hands tightened.

A soft sigh reached his ears, he didn´t lift his head to look at the blond, however.

"It´s not."

... haha...

That brute sounded way too soft and nice using his monstrous voice in this manner. If he didn´t know better he might have thought Shizu-chan was making fun of him by sticking around, hell maybe he enjoyed seeing him like this-

... no, Izaya might have thought the blond was a monster, regarding his strength and his indifference to others opinions, but he knew he wasn´t one at heart.

If anything, then he was gentle. He would never tell him so, but Shizu-chan did remind him of that one fairy tale. The beauty and the beast. Then again it wasn´t like he was bad looking either, just that everyone feared him for his "appearance," namely the way he tore up streets and destroyed whatever came into his sight when he was in rage.

It was odd to have this gentle side that no one but his friends were supposed to know, shown to him.

Silence took over the scene as no one spoke a word. Izaya didn´t know what else to add, hell he didn´t even know what to do at the moment.

He didn´t want to return home, nor did he want to talk about what happened.

Neither could he just stay here or ignore it though.

It was as if he were stuck both ways.

"Do you know who they were?" The raven swallowed thickly. Who, huh?

...

One of the hands finding its way to his forehead he closed his eyes for a second.

It was the first time Shizuo actually asked something about ... it.

It made the whole incident just seem that much more real. Much more unforgettable.

He had feared the question, being asked about it, that´s why he left Shinra´s place as quickly as he could. He couldn´t stand being asked about it...

But strangely, right now he felt save with Shizuo asking him this. Maybe it was because of yesterday, because of the silence, maybe even just because he knew Shizuo wouldn´t pry for answers.

Izaya could just remain silent this time. He knew it somehow. Shizuo had proven so the day before. If he didn´t want to he could remain quiet.

And yet...

"I didn´t see their faces."

He didn´t know.

He seriously-

He felt like choking just saying it, he didn´t even want to look up at Shizu-chan´s face.

It wasn´t that he didn´t remember- he remembered every single thing-

If at least he could have been spared the memory, but no, he remembered everything.

But he didn´t see their faces. The hands came from behind, before he knew it there were hands all over him, trapping him, a foot kicking him into the back of his knees, making him crash down and suddenly he was pinned to the ground.

He tried to twist his head but each time he did it met with a fist- sending him to the floor again-

"I only heard their voices... I... I don´t know who it was-" crap he felt like throwing up just thinking about it-

He didn´t know.

He didn´t know- they were still running around somewhere, happy, probably proud of what they managed. He felt nauseous, like someone had punched him into the guts too hard.

The blond´s expression churned, as the raven started to talk-

His hands were trembling the more he said his voice shaking all the same-

He didn´t want the flea to continue-

"... hey... it´s okay," he tried, saying just what came to mind, he knew how stupid it had to sound to the flea, and yet...

"It's not fucking okay." ...he felt like a child that tried to comfort the parent.

"Iza-" He didn´t know what to say, or what to do to help the flea. The words just got stuck in his throat.

A soft chuckle reached his ears and the raven tilted his head just the slightest so he was looking at Shizuo.

"You know, if just I hadn´t pissed them off this would have never happened."

...

What-

... WHAT?!

"IT`S NOT _YOUR_ FAULT IZAYA!" The raven flinched violently at the loudness of the words- his eyes snapping back open to look at the blond. His expression had churned to one so mad Izaya couldn´t remember seeing one quite like that yet so far-

And yet-

Disturbed, angry... but not the way he usually looked so furious. There was this crease above his eyes as his expression churned to one that just made him seem... frustrated.

The deep frown disappeared as the blond realized just how startled the flea looked.

He had lashed out at the flea.

"Shit- I´m sorry I didn't meant to yell at you..."

Fuck.

It wasn´t Izaya he was mad at god damnit-

"Please just... don´t you dare give yourself the fault for this... No matter what you did to them, what they did is something no one deserves. Not even you."

... Shizu-chan was good hearted after all...

He reminded him of a lost puppy, the way he crouched in front of him, looking at him with those almost worried seeming eyes, drops of water dripping off his hair tips.

And yet, what he said got the raven to think.

He was right about one thing.

It was all those fucking bastard´s fault-

If they just didn´t exist, if they were never born this would have never happened. he wouldn´t have to deal with this confusion with this feeling of helplessness and being lost-

Nothing of this would have ever happened if just it weren´t for them.

"I will kill them."

What-

The blond blinked, his expression easing into a surprised one as the raven´s hardened. His hands clenched into small fists.

When the raven glanced up at Shizuo, hatred swirling in his crimson eyes he realized with dread, that the flea wasn´t joking.

"Will you help me?"

-๑-๑ ஜ ๑-*0*-๑ ஜ ๑-๑-

_**To be continued~** _

**Here i am finally C': sowy for the delay, I was just so busy I didn´t get to do anything hnnnnn but now xD now I caught up pretty much I think- SD will be coming out in a matter of hours as well xD sowy 3**

**Well then, what is Shizuo going to answer to that~? You will find out next time xD**

**See you on Sunday the 11th~!**

 


	8. ஜ I´m alright ஜ

-๑-๑ ஜ ๑-*0*-๑ ஜ ๑-๑-

**-Shizuo´s point of view.-**

Shabby. That´s the best description he could give for the house they were standing in front of. Or rather, the apartment. Parts of the outer walls were already crumbling down, and the odd yellowish color didn´t make it seem any better.

Laughing was to be heard and screaming of girls, as though there was being thrown a party in there. The familiar stench of beer was filling the air and Shizuo felt already the need to bust someone´s face up.

This kind of dump seemed just like the usual places he had to pay a visit to with Tom. He wouldn´t be surprised if whoever was in there already had some debts anyway.

... then again considering he was here with the flea they probably were already in deep shit.

"Whose house is this?" he asked, pinching his nose to try and ignore the shit smell.

But the raven next to him just kept being quiet. He had been all the while actually. On their way here, since they talked in front of Shinra´s house, he hadn´t said a single word.

The last thing he had said was "Come." And since then nothing.

Shizuo never thought he would think that way but not hearing the flea rant 24/7 was actually more unsettling than this.

"Hey flea," he started again, only for the raven to ignore him further as he stepped up to that door.

"You don´t need to know."

So he had listened.

Shoving his hands back into his pockets he decided to keep quiet while the raven knocked at the door.

Heavy, uneven footsteps were being heard behind the door indicating that the owner was either injured or wobbling around drunk.

With a creak fitting the entire setting of the scene the door opened, revealing a more than just drunk guy.

"The hell do you want?"he leered, a burp making its way up his throat, not making this situation any better.

Cringing his nose the raven backed away a step.

The burp that escaped the man´s face was already disgusting enough as it was. Yeah, there was a reason he didn't actually meet with guys like these. E-mail contact was more than enough for scum.

"Not him." Still rather astonished by just how gross someone could be the blond tore his stare away from the man who was now shamelessly scratching his junk.

"Wha- Izaya?", he asked, turning just to follow the raven with his eyes as he stepped down the stairs again, just walking away.

"Izaya? Wait Orihara Izaya?!" the man suddenly barked, seemingly having recognized the man after Shizuo called his name and stepped out of the apartment. "You little shit I will-!"

A soft sound of something cracking wallowed through the night as Shizuo had just punched him in the nose.

"Ah-" the man groaned, taking a few steps back inside his apartment, trying to stop the nosebleed that now acted up-

"Sorry-" Shizuo apologized having acted out of simple reflex. The guy had seemed like he wanted to get away just like when he was visiting people´s homes with Tom.

Feeling a bit guilty the blond stepped away from the entrance and followed the flea while the guy just leaned against the doorframe trying to stop the blood.

Swearing was to be heard and Shizuo realized that if anything the man had probably justified reasons to go after the flea-

Not that he would let him right now, but he did feel a bit guilty about punching the guy out of the blue. Swearing and name calling was to be heard, but disappearing into silence as the blond caught up to the raven.

"Izaya, wait." Izaya didn´t particularly seem fazed though.

"Can you refrain from mentioning my name to these people?" Was all he said as he continued his steps, his phone in his hands and fingers typing away on it rapidly. Shizuo figured he was already searching for the next address.

"I want to get over with this quickly."

**-Shizuo´s point of view. A few hours earlier.-**

"You want to-" Shizuo couldn´t help but wonder if maybe he had misheard. The rain was still falling relentlessly from the sky, causing the street to look more and more like a giant mirror than a road.

Droplets were falling of Izaya´s hair tips, but it didn´t seem like he cared even in the slightest.

"Kill them Shizu-chan. Is that so hard to believe?" he repeated once more, looking into Shizuo´s eyes. It was obvious that he hadn´t misunderstood anything.

There wasn´t anything weird about it, in fact Shizuo himself felt the urge to kill these bastards so he knew very well what kind of rage Izaya had to feel. And still-

"I thought you can´t remember their faces?" Silence covered them like a blanket, only the sound of falling rain and splashing water filling it.

Izaya couldn´t help but feel a hint of nausea at the comment.

Of all the things he did know- he hadn´t seen their faces.

That´s right he didn´t see them, he didn´t even know them or at least he hadn´t talked to them personally because he didn´t recognize them, but...

"I remember their voices."

The blond´s eyes widened just the slightest bit. A surge of rage filled his veins and he felt his hands tighten into fists at the response.

"They were stupid enough to rant the whole time, so I´m sure I can discern them from others," the raven continued, adding a shrug to his explanation as if to try and show just how much he didn´t care about it anymore.

It took the blond aback and made his blood boil at the same time.

Wondering about what they said. What the hell they kept telling Izaya while-

His fists clenched tighter.

Kill.

And all of a sudden Izaya´s idea seemed the best fucking idea in the world.

Killing them off, huh? There was no doubt they fucking deserved it.

"I will just visit all those humans that hold a grudge against me. I will be bound to run into them that way." Izaya said.

Stated it as a matter of fact. As if it weren´t even him they were talking about.

It seemed almost as if he was treating himself as a client that he had to work for. Movement startled the blond as the raven just got up from his seat, more droplets falling from his hair tips as he sighed.

"Guess you don´t approve of that." The blond got up quicker than the raven could move to walk away.

"You aren´t going alone." Seemingly surprised the raven stood there, just facing the blond. Something akin to a frown drew across his expression.

"What, do you think I can´t defend myself?" he asked, his tongue freezing right after he spilled the words though, realizing the bitterness of that question.

Running a hand through his hair the raven closed his eyes for a second, the frown persistent staying on his expression.

"Don´t answer," he chuckled, but it sounded way too bitter to Shizuo´s ears.

Izaya had asked for his help. And he damn right wanted to see these guys dead as much as Izaya wanted to.

So when the raven motioned to walk away the blond cut off his way stepping in front of him once more.

Maybe he was out of place to do this sort of thing, and maybe he shouldn´t meddle with the flea too much after everything that happened.

Izaya was difficult, he was an ass, he played with people´s minds, only caused him trouble-

He hated the flea, always did, always would, but what had happened to him was beyond anything he would wish upon his worst enemies.

But right now he just couldn´t leave the flea alone like this.

"I will help you."

**-Shizuo´s point of view. Present. Another house.-**

Sighing the blond glanced at the door on front of them. This time it wasn´t anywhere near as filthy as the last house gladly, but it still didn´t give off the best vibe either.

Glancing at the raven he watching him as he knocked at the door.

He wondered what he even did to all these clients that could be after him.

Was it all about money? Something else?

Did he get them fired or something similar?

With a hint of anger Shizuo realized Izaya didn´t even know who the guys were that... so he also didn´t know why they even did it.

Not that anything the flea did would justify their actions, but if it were him he would want to know the reason at least.

Pissed him off even more.

They did something this nasty cruel and just inhumane just because of some shitty ass reason. His fists tightened to an extent that he usually only had before busting someone´s face in while he watched the door in front of Izaya slid open.

A guy was standing there, middle aged, black hair that was starting to fall out and a pair of glasses on his nose. He seemed like a normal working man. A frown decorated his expression when he mustered the two men in front of his door.

"Hello there, Yamada-san," the raven suddenly spoke, with a voice so hollow it made the blond want to cringe. He knew he just wanted to get the man to say something so he could check if he was one of them and then walk away.

The man´s face suddenly lit up like a Christmas tree and before the blond could even react the man stepped forward, grasping the raven´s hands- "Orihara-san!"

The blond noticed a shiver trailing up Izaya´s spine as he quickly pulled his hands away from the guy with a deep frown.

"Don´t touch me." Shizuo frowned.

"I´m so glad you are here!" the guy didn´t even take notice of what the informant had said, "People asked me for the money!" he started to explain, gesturing odd things with his hands as he went on, "But you see I didn´t have any since you suddenly disappeared! But now you are here and I´m so glad-!" he rambled, and rambled on and all of a sudden he was again reaching for the raven.

He didn´t even know why but just the intention in itself made the raven tense up and he took a quick step back- but the man didn´t stop and instead just took the same step forward-

Again reaching for the flea, just in a friendly gesture, and yet-

"You will help me out of this, right? You will-"

A strangled gasp filled the air before the raven was even able to blink.

"He said don´t touch. Are you deaf or something?" the blond growled, his hand having grasped the man´s throat and shoved him against the wall of his own apartment.

Wheezing the guy looked between Izaya and Shizuo, his hands trying to get the blond´s had of his throat, without any result.

It made the blond so mad. Was he the guy?

Did Izaya back of because it was him?!

Did he do that?!

The sound of footsteps made the blond twist his head, only to see the raven had already turned around and was walking away-

"Izaya?" Unceremoniously the let go of the guy´s throat, making the man drop down to the ground wheezing and touching his neck in fright.

"Wrong guy." Was the short answer he received tearing his stare away from Izaya to glace shortly at the man he had just frightened.

Quickly Izaya walked away, step by step.

He could hear the blond mumble some sort of apology before rough footsteps approached him from behind.

Having been chased through Ikebukuro and Shinjuku for so long he was more than just familiar with them. And yet he just couldn´t get rid of these goose bumps travelling over his skin.

Shizuo frowned just the slightest bit as he walked next to the flea once more. He was walking faster than before and not looking at his phone for the next guy they should visit.

"...you okay?" he asked, concerned. He didn´t really know why but this whole thing unsettled him way too much.

A soft snort was to be heard and the raven faced him for but a second, throwing him a glance that only said how much he hated Shizuo for even asking that question.

"Of course I am Shizu-chan," he chirped, refocusing his attention on the road in front of them.

...

Shizuo could see Izaya was having a hard time, not just because of the meetings.

It was obvious he was getting exhausted too.

No wonders, he nearly died a week ago and only woke up yesterday... it couldn't be good for him to run around this much.

"Izaya, do you really think this is a good idea?"

The raven frowned at the question and stopped in his tracks.

"What? To kill them?" he asked looking at Shizuo as though he was being betrayed.

The blond shook his head with a sigh, "No, to run around like this."

Narrowing his eyes the raven looked at him.

"Like this?"

"Well you aren´t... quite okay yet-" he wasn´t even able to finish his sentence when suddenly a knife pressed to his throat- so fast he hadn´t even seen the raven draw it.

Malicious he was glaring at the blond, obviously mad over something he didn't even understand.

"Don´t give me that crap Shizu-chan," the raven hissed, pressing down on his neck just a bit more.

"I don´t need anyone´s pity." Warmth was trickling from the spot Izaya's knife pressed against his throat-

For a second, Shizuo was just confused, wondering what the hell he had said to make the flea react like this, and then- then he was mad.

Tch-

It pissed him off.

That fucking flea.

He was just trying to help.

It fucking pissed him off.

He was just tagging along to make sure nothing happened to him and now he was pulling shit like this?!

"Alright then just go die you stupid flea," the blond barked, the knife being withdrawn from his neck as the raven glared.

"That´s what you want to do anyway you monster, isn´t it? Kill me?" Tightening his fists the blond tried to count backwards and ignore the rage that built up in his system.

This flea-

"Just fuck off Shizu-chan, I don´t need you."

He doesn´t-

The blond felt a vein pop on his forehead.

He was done with this bullshit.

First he asked him to help, then he acted as if it was Shizuo´s idea altogether to come with him in the first place and now he refused his help?

"Tch, fuck you Izaya. To hell if I care," he spat, shoving his fists into his pockets he drew out a cigarette, walking past the raven.

He was done.

If the flea hated him being there so damn freaking much then he could have that fucking peace he wanted.

He wasn´t going to bother him anymore.

Looking after the blond as he walked away the raven turned.

Izaya couldn´t ask for more. Flipping the knife shut he walked away in the opposite direction.

He didn´t need that brute.

Why the hell did he even ask him to go with him?

Was he delirious? He didn´t need him.

He didn´t need anyone.

And he especially didn´t need these stupid ass questions.

Pulling the phone out of his coats pocket he snapped it open, almost violently hitting the buttons on it to find the next guy´s address. He could very well take care of this alone.

So what if he was exhausted? He knew he wasn´t in top condition, that didn´t mean that imbecile had to treat him like some sort of invalid.

Tch-

Spotting the next house he had to visit his steps sped up.

He didn't need Shizu-chan.

Step after step he took, approaching the door.

He didn't need anyone.

Flipping out his phone once more he checked if he was at the right address.

He was going to continue like this.

Izaya rose his hand to knock at the door-

He was going to find them.

\- and hesitated.

...

For just a moment he let that sink in.

One of the guys might be beyond this door. This exact door right in front of him.

...

What if there really was one of them?

Swallowing he felt a familiar feeling of dread fill his senses.

_Calm down that´s the point of knocking._

To find them.

He could kill them easily with his flick blade, just one swing, they wouldn´t expect it. Just imagining it was easy. He would knock, they would come not expecting anything, they would open the door, and-

... he would kill them, yes!

He should be elated at the thought.

He should be happy knowing he could get rid of them.

But nausea acted up as he found himself unable to move.

Instead his hair stood on ends.

The guys. Could live here.

One of them.

Only slowly his hand lowered itself, a crushing thought crossing his mind.

He didn´t want to meet them-

No.

He shook his head quickly, frowning deeply, trying to get rid of these stupid thoughts.

NO, he wanted to.

He had to, to kill them. It would all be better once they were dead.

That´s right, once they were dead everything was going to be alright again!

And so he brought down his hand on the door.

_***Knock knock knock*** _

Silence.

An unbelievably comforting silence filled the air. There was no noise, no nothing. He could hear cars from afar, speeding on the main street.

He could hear little insects producing annoying sounds from the garden.

But except from that, nothing.

The raven exhaled the breath he hadn´t realized he had held.

He felt like laughing.

Was no one at home?

But that´s when he heard it.

Steps.

He froze.

One two, approaching the door within the apartment. Time seemed to run in slow motion as he heard them coming closer.

Heavy.

Slow.

If it was one of the guys he was going to kill him.

The thought was like glued into his mind as he stood there like frozen.

If it was one of the guys he was going to kill him.

A feeling as if someone had suddenly punched him deep into the guts made itself noticeable.

If it was one of the guys he was going to kill him.

The steps were coming closer.

If it was one of the guys he was going to kill him.

His hair stood on ends.

If it was one of the guys he was going to-

The door creaked open-

...

A woman was standing in the frame. She seemed as though someone had just woken her from her sleep and she glanced around confused.

"Stupid kids," she cursed, closing the door again- as there was no one outside anymore.

**To be continued~**

**I´M ALIVE PEOPLE XDDDDD ahahaha**

**I am so Sorry For taking so long ahhh! I broke my record of not updating -sobs- TAT I was really damn stuck with this story since... fucking November gosh xD I made you wait so long hnnn sowy ;-; and then my INTERENET DIED uwahhhhh**

**But!**

**Some people were wondering whether this story has been dropped- No no no no no**

**I am definitely never ever going to just drop a story! or leave it unfinished, or on hiatus forever. I can´t promise I will be this in love with Shizaya forever, but what I can promise is, that once I do start a story I'm definitively seeing it to the end xD (even if I take three months updating lmao)**

**I have finished two stories by now that I absolutely hated and one that I disliked xD So my dear readers, even if I seriously came to detest this story, I will definitely finish it C':**

**About the other updates, I updated 4 stories today x'D ast, bcd, SnS and SD xD and the reason is quite simple-**

**I am basically cut off from the internet people x'D**

**It sucks so bad, there is a slight bit of it, but it just doesn´t let me upload pretty much anything. xD While writing little text messages seems to work (with a delay of ten minutes lol) doing anything apart from that is out of the question x'DDDD**

**So basically right now I´m hijacking my grannies computer to upload my fics while I´m visiting C': Sorry for the long delay my dear readers xD Seeing as I won´t have any proper internet any time soon I will think of solutions now to upload each Monday though x'DDD So, next week Monday the 27th I will be updating Sotd, twtd and ast C:**

**And on Monday the 6th March I will update SD, bcd and SnS C:**

**That being said, see you in the next chapter~! C: (It´s already half written so rest assured it´s gonna come out for real xD)**

 


	9. ஜ Killing monsters ஜ

-๑-๑ ஜ ๑-*0*-๑ ஜ ๑-๑-

**-Shizuo´s point of view. In front of Izaya's apartment.-**

He was a fucking idiot.

He had been mad. Walked away.

The flea just pulled too much bullshit for a second.

It didn´t even take two minutes until the blond had somewhat calmed down again pausing in the middle of the road when he figured he had acted rash. When he figured Izaya was going to visit these guys one after the other and he was very well going to do it without him.

Just imagining Izaya meeting the guys actually made his stomach churn.

He had went back, but of course Izaya hadn´t been there anymore. The street empty.

He didn´t know where he had gone to.

Shizuo was so mad at himself.

The hell did he walk off for when he wasn´t even serious about what he said?

What kind of resolution was that even?

Shizuo had no clue where Izaya went.

And it was more than just unsettling him.

He knew he was trying to find the guys that... raped him.

The thought itself was disturbing. And yet- right now he couldn´t do anything about it.

He could do nothing.

Just sit here in this damn hall, smoking one cigarette after the other while he waited for the flea to just come home once more.

Sitting here.

He had seen Izaya cry. Two times by now.

And today when he snapped at him he just seemed so much like his old asshole self that Shizuo forgot what he saw for a tiny moment.

Like a stupid prick he had just walked off.

Leaving him alone to deal with this.

Slapping his hand against his forehead the blond groaned, cursing himself and his stupid temper.

Seriously the hell had he been thinking? If he wasn´t going to just not give a shit about Izaya then why did he just leave?

He knew why Izaya had snapped at him for fucks sake.

He had treated him like some sort of invalid.

Of course he was going to lash out.

They had never been on friendly terms.

Hell they had hated each other for so long and now he was asking him to take it easy?

Even to his own ears it sounded fucked up and wrong.

It didn´t change the way he felt after seeing all this but still, that didn´t change anything for Izaya.

If Izaya had treated him like that out of the blue he would have wanted to bash his face in as well. He would think it´s fishy if Izaya all of a sudden tried to help him.

Tried to do whatever- he couldn´t even call it help, because so far what he did was just tagging along.

He was stupid.

It was only then that he heard the soft sound of steps. Senses instantly drowning in rage the blond turned his head towards the staircase- the first thought crossing his mind was that one of the guys might just come here-

One of the guys that hurt Izaya and the cigarette was instantly tugged out of the corner of his mouth, squished beneath his shoe.

But it wasn´t one of the guys.

Raising his head he faced the staircase, ready to beat up whoever dared to approach him.

Until he spotted a familiar blotch of wet black hair.

"Izaya." The blond should have probably see him coming, after all he had been waiting in front of his apartment, and yet he felt surprised when the raven came up the stairs. He was still drenched in rain just like Shizuo had been ever since they met in front of Shinra´s.

None of the two had bothered to get dry clothes when they started their search for the bastards.

The surprise reflected in Izaya's even though it wasn´t quite the same way Izaya looked at the blond.

"Why are you here?" It was an awfully cold, emotionless question. It sounded as if Izaya had just simply asked his name or how the weather was outside. It made the blond frown, think as though the raven was still mad at him for treating him in a way he didn´t stand.

Or maybe he was mad because he just left anyway after promising he would accompanying him. Either way he felt the need to apologize.

"I´m sorry I just took off before-"

"I don´t care." The answer came so fast, so... nonchalant, it made Shizuo pause in his words.

Was he still mad?

Or maybe-

"Did you find them?"

...

The question set Izaya back just a bit.

Find them... huh?

Funny question.

Yeah really, it was so funny it made the raven want to vomit.

His waist hurt, his body hurt, from running so fast, for so long. He was soaked to the bone, freezing- and why?

Because he ran. He ran like a coward.

The second he heard those steps behind the door he just couldn´t make sense of anything anymore.

He had felt like fainting, dizzy, like he wasn´t attached to his body anymore.

He was going to kill them- he knew he could, he wasn´t even trying to convince himself for something that he couldn´t do, no- it was just a simple action.

He just needed his knife and the guys, and yet-

He could just run, run as fast as he could. His waist had hurt, still stung really bad, only faintly he remembered Shinra saying one cut in his abdomen was healing nicely when he woke up, as he dashed through the streets of Ikebukuro and Shinjuku.

His lungs had burned, his vision blurred, adrenaline suddenly surged through his veins making him run just that much more longer.

When exhaustion finally hit him hard and he felt like he couldn´t move even a single step more he stopped in an alley- almost immediately bending over, retching.

He was panting hard, trying to catch his breath, trying to rationalize what had just happened.

He hadn´t been chased. If that had been the guy, he could have killed him.

He could-

He knew he could.

He was fast. He had a knife, he could surprise them.

He could.

He _could_.

But somehow his feet just didn´t move in any way that would indicate they wanted to go back. He had glared at them, tried to convince himself to go back.

He could find and kill them.

Find, huh?

When he just ran away like a coward?

He wouldn´t find them like this.

And he wouldn´t be able to kill them like this.

They would stay where they were, happy. Peaceful, maybe coming back for more.

Shudders shook his body, he had the urge to wrap his arms around himself, the thought itself just making him feel so much worse.

Maybe they weren´t even done.

He ran through all of Ikebukuro. They probably knew he was alive.

Knew where he lived knew what he did-

He felt so angry.

Angry at himself.

He could have searched for them, he could have been done in like a day or two, maybe three, he would have found them for sure, but like this?

When he was like this?!

"Izaya, are you-"

"Shizu-chan can you just go home already?!" He didn´t even know why he was snapping at the blond. He couldn´t stand him. His voice echoed in the hall, making it seem just so much more louder- he just felt like screaming. Getting rid of this anger.

He didn´t want to deal with Shizu-chan.

"Is it so hard for you to get that I don´t want to be in your stupid presence?!"

Not here, not right now- not when he just wanted to be alone.

The blond frowned, not getting what the hell he had done wrong now.

"Tch- I know you sent me away okay?" He knew Izaya wanted him gone, fuck he got that before already on the street, the cut on his neck didn´t hurt, but it was still there, reminding him of his place "But I´m not just going to leave when you are like this."

The words sounded bitter to Izaya's ears.

Like this, huh?

Like what?

"I seriously hate you so much, monster." The words were hissed, dripping with malice and anger-

"What is it you want, huh?" Izaya spat, glaring at the blond as if he were the source of this mess.

"Want to kill me?! Hah! I´m here, go ahead, try!" The words just made the blond´s frown grow even deeper, a vein popping on his forehead-

"Tch, you fucking asshole you know that´s not it!"

"Then what the hell are you here for, Shizu-chan?!" the raven barked, screamed on top of his lungs. It was then that an almost sinister smile drew across his lips.

"Oh, I see," he suddenly said, so quiet compared to the yelling before.

"Maybe you want to do the same, huh?"

The blond blinked confused, fists tightened next to his body.

... the same?

"Wouldn´t surprise me, just killing me wouldn´t be enough after all!" the raven suddenly laughed, "Suffering right? You want to see me suffer- that´s why you are staying like a damn illness!"

The blond frowned.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Want to give it a go too? Want to pine me down on the floor and fuck me against my will too, yeah?! Is that what you want?!"

What-

And all of a sudden it was as if someone had taken Shizuo´s breath away.

Speechless-

"Izaya-" he couldn´t be serious.

"Is it that?! Want to hear me scream, huh? And beg you to stop, is that it!? Revenge?!" the raven yelled, not even stopping when the blond´s angry expression had fallen like this-

"Izaya stop-" But the raven didn´t even hear his words, just laughed as he glared at the man.

"Bet you would enjoy it! Would be easy with your strength too, you could hold me down way better than they did!"

"Izaya!"

Tremors shook the raven body, he couldn´t keep still. He didn´t even know why he was saying these things.

He didn't even know why he was so angry at Shizu-chan-

"Come on, do it, try it! Just go ahead, tell me how much I deserve it- Tell me what a _good boy_ I am!"

And then Shizu-chan took just one simple step forward.

Just one, a small one, it wasn´t even as if he were getting too close, there was at least a meter wide distance between them and yet-

Izaya's heart just stopped right there.

Hard the wall behind Izaya hit into him as he backed away.

And all of a sudden it wasn´t Shizu-chan in front of him.

It was Shizu-chan. There was no doubt it was him, but just for a split second something inside him just wanted to run.

Just wanted to scream, to twist and get away- something so cold and yet hot at the same time it made his head spin.

And then he recognized the feeling.

He recognized it as fear.

He was scared.

Of Shizu-chan.

Why even. The thought struck him like lightning, the feeling vanishing as quickly as it came and yet he couldn´t deny it ever existed.

Why, Shizu-chan?

This was Shizu-chan.

What he had said suddenly hit him like a brick. The things he just accused Shizu-chan of.

Was he starting to go insane? He had known Shizu-chan for so long- he knew what he was like, he knew what he would do- and this-

Just no-

What was he even doing?

Seriously- he felt like crying.

Letting himself slide down the wall he covered under his crossed arms.

What the hell was he saying?

"Izaya-" The blond didn´t know what to say.

He didn´t even know just what he was supposed to do and Izaya just-

He could hear it faintly, starting out as whimpers, then sniffs.

"Go away-" the raven chocked out, making the blond´s stomach just drop to the floor.

Seeing him like this-

Fuck what was he even doing?

He didn´t even know how to feel or think about what Izaya said just now. Why the hell would he say that?!

He knew he would never do that!

He didn´t get it- he seriously didn´t.

"Fuck-" he didn't even know what he was supposed to do or say anymore now after what the flea had said. " Izaya do you really think that? I would never-" A frown carved itself into his forehead so deep, he couldn´t bring himself to finish the sentence.

This was just so wrong.

Strained, tense he let a hand run through his blond hair as he got on his knee, crouching down in front of the raven.

Izaya just stayed quiet. He didn´t say a word. The tears didn´t stop and he didn´t accuse him of anything, but the sight just made his chest clench almost painfully.

"Izaya," he started quietly, his voice firm and serious, but the raven didn´t even flinch. He didn´t even signal Shizuo in any way that he was listening at all. "Come on, look at me," he wanted to reach out to the raven, wanted to grasp his hand or shoulder, he just wanted to make Izaya see how wrong he was. But he couldn´t bring himself to.

Touching him when he had his face buried under his arms, not seeing what he was doing, it struck him as fatal. Only for but a second he recalled how he reacted to the guy simply grasping his hands out of gratitude. Izaya had looked like he wanted to run away right then and there.

"Please?" he pleaded instead, hoping that the raven would react after all. But apart from the soft shaking of his shoulders and the sniffing sounds nothing changed.

Shizuo felt as though he was trapped.

There was no way he could just leave and let the raven alone like this, he couldn´t just go away like he asked him to, but he couldn´t do anything for him either. There was only one thing he could do, and that was making sure nothing happened to the flea.

Not anymore.

Not now at least. It was the least he could do, but it was so little.

"It´s okay you know, no one is going to ... do anything to you right now, okay?"he spoke softly hoping somehow, that even if Izaya didn´t seem like he was listening, that he would hear the words at least. "Not me and not anyone. I´m damn making sure no one gets to, okay?" It was the only thing he could offer to him.

A sound, so odd Shizuo thought Izaya may have choked on tears reached his ears, but, no, Izaya hadn´t chocked, he had snorted.

Raising his head from his arms barely he could catch a glimpse of a bitter smile spread across his lips.

"You think I don´t know that?" he asked, tears trickling down his cheeks as he used his arm´s sleeve to wipe them away.

Confused the blond´s frown deepened just a tick more.

"Then why-"

"I fucking ran away Shizu-chan." Yeah that´s right.

Just like that without any reason.

"I ran away when I knocked at the next door." It was stupid, dumb, he wanted to hit himself for this show of cowardice.

"I don´t even know why I did, it was irrational. I have a knife, I´m fast, this time no matter where I see them I can take them on and yet-" A quick take of breath almost made him choke on the tears that somehow didn´t seem to stop flowing relentlessly.

"If I can´t even face them how am I supposed to kill them?"

No one would be able to describe what was going on in Shizuo´s mind at that moment.

Seeing the flea like this, just so lost and afraid- so frustrated and sad- trying to cover his face with that sleeve that merely kept getting soaked in tears-

They were going to pay.

They had hurt something precious to him that much- and he was going to make them regret it.

"Then how about I kill them for you?" Just for a second the raven stopped wiping at the tears and just looked at the blond. As if he had just said something outrageous.

His lips curled upwards just the slightest bit into a smile so sad it made the blond´s decision only firmer. "as if you would do that sort of thing."

"Izaya I swear by my brother if I ever wanted to seriously kill someone, then it´s those bastards."

The sleeve lowered itself, a single tears trickled down Izaya's face as he looked at the blond properly.

"And if I can help you with it, even better."

...

He was serious.

He didn´t know what it was about Shizu-chan´s expression that made him think that way, but he was.

...

Shizu-chan killing them for him, huh?

It sounded too easy to be true.

They would just be gone. He didn´t need to do anything. Shizuo would take care of it.

And once they were gone he could forget this ever happened. What a sweet, sweet lie.

"You would be killing humans," he started softly, knowing what Shizu-chan was capable of and what not. And killing humans... that was just- He didn´t think Shizu-chan would do it, and so he tried to smile.

"Ready to become a monster?" But whatever resolve Shizu-chan had found-

"Killing monsters won´t make me one." He didn´t seem to have any intention of backing down.

-๑-๑ ஜ ๑-*0*-๑ ஜ ๑-๑-

**To be continued~**

**Well then, here went another chapter~ And on time even xD I´m getting better at keeping my schedule don´t you think? xD**

**Well then, another chapter has been written C': Finally the block is gone xD**

**See you again in 14 days~! *0***

 


	10. ஜ Helping ஜ

-๑-๑ ஜ ๑-*0*-๑ ஜ ๑-๑-

**-Izaya´s point of view-**

Shivers were crawling up and down the raven´s spine. He could feel his hands shake and his hair stand on ends. He didn´t know whether it was just the cold itself, from being soaked to the bone or perhaps something else that caused it.

Closing his eyes again his palm connected with his forehead.

"Why are you doing this Shizu-chan?" Ever since... that happened Shizu-chan had been so... odd.- just why? He didn´t get the blond.

Why was he acting like this? Why was he even here- just why?

Shizu-chan had always been the epitome of paradox and in terms of being unpredictable, but this certainly exceeded the raven´s craziest imagination.

Shizu-chan was supposed to be a violent, cruel man- not that he was one at heart but it was that appearance that everyone feared. The kind, emphatic, caring side of the blond was something only reserved for his closest friends, his brother, Shinra, Celty- but definitely not him.

"Killing them?" the blond asked, obviously not getting what the raven had been asking at all. It was this trait that the raven despised the very most of Shizu-chan´s many qualities.

That idiot didn´t even realize what exactly he was doing. He never realized when he acted out of place when he did things that just weren´t expected.

"No," Izaya responded softly. What he meant was just so much more than just that, although it was the icing of the cake.

He meant everything. Why was he here, why did he even agree to this sort of thing, why he was looking at him like that.

And the most important thing-

"Aren´t you mad at me?" The words came out more quiet than he wanted them to. Swallowing hard the raven continued, his voice fading out at the end. "Disgusted with what I said?" There was no doubt the blond had to be.

He didn´t even have an explanation why he said these things, why he accused Shizu-chan of- just no. Thinking about it afterwards he couldn´t even make sense of his actions.

"Disgusted?" Shizuo repeated, a frown carving itself into his forehead. The word itself made the blond cringe. But even more than getting angry the blond was just getting more and more worried.

He knew how to treat Izaya.

Usually.

Although that was already half a lie- because he didn´t know how to act towards the flea, it was Izaya who always adjusted to him and his shitty mood and anger. But right now he was just really trying his hardest to just not fuck up.

He didn´t know how to reach out for Izaya. He felt as though he was slipping away from him. He wouldn´t know where to, but it was just this feeling like he was losing something if he kept doing and saying the wrong things.

"Most people would be you know," Izaya mumbled, but deep down he already knew the answer anyway. He would call it instinct or maybe his guts, but that would remind him to much of a certain protozoan he didn´t want to compare himself to.

Shizu-chan visibly tensed just at his words and he could spot his fists clenching left and right to Shizu-chan´s side as if to try and remain calm.

It was... unexpected, but if Izaya didn´t know it better he might as well think that blond hated these assholes even more than he did.

"Good I´m not most people then." Shizuo said, trying to calm down for the sake of Izaya, he didn´t want to end up lashing out at the raven again. It was odd, when Izaya was near it had always been the opposite case, he could just let all his emotions loose and act on his impulses.

It didn´t matter because Izaya would never end up getting hurt by him. He had been too fast.

"I really wonder what´s going on in your head you know," Izaya mumbled, rubbing the last remains of his tears away. It was odd but he had calmed down a bit. Maybe it was because he was talking to someone? Maybe it was because he knew with Shizu-chan there nothing could happen to him?

The thought itself struck Izaya as weird the second he thought it- but it was true, wasn´t it?

While in the past, having the blond hovering in front of him like this would have probably triggered his brain into thinking up the fastest escape route, right now it seemed like the safest place on earth.

"Why are you even here now in the first place?" Izaya asked, and for once he felt as though he had some of the lost precious control back he loved so much. Nothing had changed, Shizu-chan was still Shizu-chan and he was still Izaya.

The degree of how not murderous Shizu-chan looked at him at the moment was not quite what he remembered but that aside- he almost felt nostalgic.

"Because I want to help." The answer came faster than Izaya had thought- though he had expected the response itself.

"Hmmm... I see."

... sometimes Shizuo really wished he could have a manual for life- for conversations, heck why not have one on Izaya himself.

Honesty was something the blond was keen on sticking too and yet with every answer he gave the raven he wondered if it was a good idea to answer with nothing but the truth-

The fear of Izaya reacting as badly as he had before was growing more and more with each ambiguous answer the flea gave.

Not fear.

Anything he could take from Izaya, hatred, anger, the worst things he could accuse him off, even the tears, but not the fear.

That moment, minutes before when Izaya backed away from _him_ \- with _that_ glance- it horrified him to be completely honest.

All the people he had met in his life had at least once looked at him that way- every single one of them. He knew they were afraid to a certain degree- but not Izaya.

To think, that his actions caused the raven to look at him like that made his stomach drop and churn- twist in all the wrong ways.

He caused Izaya to freak out like this, it almost tore his chest apart, made him feel suffocated. He hated hurting people, he never wanted to hurt anyone, no one. Hurting others was something that caused him just as much pain as others- but right now he feared he might just be making matters worse.

Maybe Shinra was right, he had been all along, what did he even think he could do to help Izaya?

He didn´t even understand the flea. Not even Shinra did and that´s probably why he thought it was the best to let Izaya deal with this for himself for now.

Because Shizuo was only going to make it worse, wasn´t he?

He wanted to help, but if he did nothing but cause Izaya pain while trying to it would be best for him to just leave it.

Those assholes had taken something away from Izaya.

He couldn´t put a finger on what exactly it was- security perhaps?

...

... yeah.

Maybe it was exactly that-

Izaya had said it himself before. He couldn´t stay at his apartment alone. He didn´t need to say more than that for Shizuo to understand what he was pointing at.

And yet- it was so contradicting, wasn´t it?

If it were really fear that drove Izaya out of his apartment, then why walk all the way to Shinra? Just thinking about who could be lurking in the streets, and waiting for Izaya to pass by just once, made Shizuo´s blood run cold.

It was incredibly reckless and stupid.

And then again it wasn´t... Izaya had never been a man that wasn´t able to defend himself. The opposite, if anything then others should have been on the watch out for him.

He fought the craziest battles with him for fucks sake. No one else in the city even remotely dared to do what he did on a daily basis.

And he always got away on top of that.

Izaya wasn´t weak, Izaya was strong. And he knew that- it struck Shizuo as so contradicting that on one hand Izaya seemed to be so terribly afraid and confused and on the other hand so confident and out for revenge.

He didn´t think either of these two sides were an act even though they didn´t seemed like they could possibly mix in one mind.

Izaya had screamed at him, yelled at him, accused him of things that just made him want to yell at the flea and explain just why he would never do anything he said, and then just a second later he was like this.

So small, almost fragile, confused, sad-

He felt the need to treat Izaya as usual, maybe yell or something like they used to behave-

They never treated each other differently and yet now it seemed just wrong to try and do that- even though he just wanted to do it to make the flea go back to his old self.

...

Maybe that´s what annoyed him so much.

It was as if suddenly something in his mind had clicked and fallen into place.

So far he had been only doing the wrong thing, he had either pissed Izaya off or ... or scared him.

But when he thought about it- when he talked to Izaya in the hallway, when Izaya cried, he had tried to comfort him, somehow do something at least that might help- Izaya had let him. He had let him in his apartment. He didn´t snap, didn´t complain.

The morning he woke up Shizuo tried to do the same, but Izaya was angry, mad, just as he might be, were they in the same good old relationship they used to be in.

When he saw him in front of Shinra´s house it was as though he saw the Izaya from the night before again- and the help he offered was accepted easily.

In front of the client Izaya had hardened up again, reverted almost back to his good old self once more-

Izaya was trying to live on wasn´t he? He was trying to ignore what happened and go on like nothing ever happened to him.

But when he responded to the Izaya, that tried to act like normal, with caution and nice words, he lashed out.

It was like they didn´t mix.

It was like physics.

Shizuo wanted to help all the time, while Izaya was shifting between letting himself be comforted, and seeking for normality.

It was like negative and positive attraction. When he was mad and Izaya was mad it seemed to help Izaya come back to his feet. If Izaya was mad and he responded with an unusual amount of care that obviously resounded due to what happened, the raven lashed out.

When Izaya let himself care about what happened and Shizuo responded with comfort he accepted whatever he offered.

But- just like right now- when Izaya was caught up in the past and he - well he didn't act mad, but the frown he wore on his face and the quick movement he showed, and the way he just kept calling Izaya´s name and even yelled...

He was at fault the raven was now crying like this wasn´t he?

Not exactly at fault, since it was the assholes that caused everything in the first place, but right now, the one who triggered Izaya like this was him wasn´t it?

Izaya wasn´t as confusing as he thought.

The opposite, he had been clearly showing Shizuo the boundaries but the blond had just not noticed. Honestly speaking he felt stupid for only realizing it now.

And yet he was glad, because that meant Izaya wasn´t confusing or contradicting, it meant Shizuo wouldn´t accidentally cause the flea more pain by being around if he watched his behavior.

It meant he could stay.

And right now it was more than obvious what the raven needed- and it wasn´t the barking monstrous relationship they used to share.

"Izaya I want to help you."

The raven groaned softly, resting his forehead on his knees.

He wanted to shove Shizu-chan away, tell him to go and just leave him alone, and yet at the same time he wanted him to stay and not leave and just _be_ there.

A soft headache assaulting him the raven frowned, letting his palm trail up to his throbbing temples.

"Well if you can really kill them for me, those bastards won´t be able to come back for another round at least. What more could I ask for?" He didn´t get it- Izaya didn´t get himself.

What did he even want from the blond?

He kept thinking he wanted him to fuck off and yet he was sitting here continuing to talk like he craved for the opposite.

"Whatever you want." And of course Shizu-chan didn´t really help clarifying his thoughts.

"That´s quite the vast offer Shizu-chan," the raven mumbled, letting his head thud against the wall behind him.

But Shizu-chan just kept looking at him, the worried frown was still in place.

He didn´t need anyone. He didn´t want to talk to anyone.

He just wanted to be alone- and yet he knew once Shizu-chan left and he was to be alone in his apartment this shitty feeling of being afraid, that stupid anxiety would return.

"Don´t you want to go home already? You don´t have to deal with me." Funny. The last thing he wanted was for Shizu-chan to just leave and yet he kept saying things that would lead to just that.

"You are right, I don´t have to," the blond answered, making it seem as though he was going to go now. He had to, didn´t he? There was no reason to stay. None at all, except he wanted to kill him like he always yelled he would, but like this- what on earth even connected them apart from their pure hatred?

"What are you waiting for then?" Izaya asked bitter while getting up from the ground. He had been sitting out here long enough already.

He expected Shizu-chan to light himself a cigarette and leave. Because what else was he supposed to do?

Nothing came to mind.

However, yet again the blond managed to surprise him.

"Ne Izaya, how about I become your bodyguard until you find the bastards?"

**To be continued~**

**Finally I'm done urgh- I´m so sorry for taking so long to update! XC With university and lots of other stuff going on I literally didn´t notice how fast time passed xD Lmao I sound like an old granny**

**Anyway! Now I´m going to update regularly again, for real xDD**

**So next update will be out on Saturday (I´m changing my schedule to Saturday because I have university on Monday and that kinda sucks for posting shit xDDD)**

**On Saturday the 22nd C: April of course xDD Sorry for the long ass delay again C':**

**Oh and for anyone who is waiting for the next Bcd update, it will be coming out tomorrow xD For real 3 C:**

**Ps: I did a speed painting of my Shizaya profile pic xD if you want to watch it you just need to look for it on youtube, "Shizaya speed drawing Sinful Desire chap 3" or something xD you should find it pretty quick haha C':**

 


	11. -๑-๑ஜ ๑- Let me help -๑ஜ ๑-๑-

 

**-Shizuo´s point of view-**

"My what?" Confusion spread across the raven´s features as he let the offer pass through his mind once more.

The man paused for a second as if he were hesitating to repeat what he said, but only for a split moment.

"Your bodyguard," Shizuo replied firm, no intending to take back what he said after all.

It was the most logical conclusion anyway- because he knew Izaya wasn't going to just let him stick around forever with no reason to. Well of course Shizuo had his reasons, but there was no way Izaya would let him stay because … because- hell he just wanted to make sure nothing else happened to him- at least anymore.

"Those assholes are still out there right?" the blond started, knowing that maybe it was stupid to talk about the topic directly like this and yet- "And they might still be after you, yes?" he needed Izaya to understand, to convince him that it would be better if he stayed here.

Literally here. Next to the flea at least for some time.

"Just give me one week at least Izaya. I bet you will have them by then."

To be honest he really thought so. With Izaya´s skills as an informant and his way of digging up dirt on everyone he doubted he wouldn't be able to find his… attackers.

Looking back up at the raven he met his hard gaze.

Izaya was amazed by how persistent the brute could be- but that didn't make his offer piss him off any less.

"Maybe you forgot it already Shizu-chan," he started, the words dripping like venom from his lips, "but you are working for Tom, a loan shark, you are _his_ body guard you know."

He really wondered what was wrong with him.

Why was he mad at Shizu-chan? He was obviously trying to help and yet just the offer itself made him cringe.

"I'm on vacation anyway, Tom forced me to stop working for a while," the blond explained, trying to make his offer seem more tempting, but to Izaya it wasn´t.

"Shizu-chan what are you even trying to do? Don´t you see I don't need your pity?"

The blond frowned, his gaze lowering to the floor.

"It´s not pity." It was anything but that. He didn´t feel sorry for Izaya. That might sound weird- but that wasn´t even it.

He felt angry to say the least. Angry at those assholes.

And helpless, because he had no idea how to actually help Izaya.

"Oh really, then tell me why you are here," the raven demanded leaving the blond to blankly stare at the raven for a few seconds.

If he said what he was really thinking he doubted Izaya would believe him- nah fuck that, the flea wasn't going to believe him whatever he was going to say.

He already had his fixed opinion anyway- Shizuo wasn't up to deal with that right now.

Not when they were still in the hallways and Izaya seemed a though he was freezing his ass off with those wet clothes.

Wordlessly he reached out for the raven, making the informant blink in confusion.

"What?" he asked, slightly annoyed that he hadn't gotten any sort of answer- he already had so many arguments stocked up in his brain, so many things to say and now this?

"Key," the blond merely spoke, those fingers moving in a come hither motion. "You look like a soaking rat." The raven snorted, then frowned.

"And I would give it to you, because…?"

"Because I will fling you out of that window if you don't."What a solid argument. Was he being stupid on purpose now?

"Let me repeat that," the raven started, "you want to get me dry, but will throw me out of the window, into the rain if I don´t give you the key?" Shizu-chan´s expression didn't waver, nor did he seem like he was disturbed even in the slightest by his obvious exposure of stupidity.

"Yes" he merely replied, his sight not wavering once.

A sigh escaped the raven's lips as he let his head thud against the wall he was leaning onto.

"Doesn't make much sense if you ask me." not that he had expected Shizu-chan to make any in the first place.

"Never said it did." Letting his eyes travel to his apartment's door and back to the blond he wondered just what it was that the blond was trying to do.

What it was that made the blond even stick to him all the time like this.

They were enemies, no one would deny that. And he knew if anything the blond would prefer to see him rather dead than alive. At least that's what he had been convinced off for a pretty damn long time.

But now? Just what was it that suddenly made the blond stick to him like there was no tomorrow?

"What's your plan? Want to drag me into my own apartment?" the raven questioned, deciding wasting too much time on Shizu-chan´s reasoning would lead to nowhere.

"I can unlock it myself, and you can leave, thank you very much," Izaya announced, his stare resting on Shizu-chan´s eyes unwavering.

But he wasn't backing off. Not like before on the road when he tried to piss him off.

"I was serious when I said I would kill these assholes for you. And I´m serious now when I say I will stay until we got them."

Izaya didn't doubt his intentions. If there was anything he knew about the blond, then it was the fact that eh kept true to his promises. And yet-

"As a bodyguard?" he repeated Shizu-chan´s offer making the blond nod in return.

"You wouldn't let me stay as anything else would you?"

Heh, and there the protozoan's started getting perceptive at the worst moments again. Izaya had never liked pity, from no one, and if there was anyone he wanted to be pitied by the least then it was Shizu-chan. The brute had understood that much it seemed.

"Trying to analyze me?" Izaya questioned with the slightest hint of a smirk. He felt as though this was something he was comfortable with. Something familiar.

Beating the blond with words had always been child's play. It was assuring to feel that he was still the same.

"Nah, you are too complicated," Shizuo admitted with a frown. His hand found its way into his blond hair as he combed through the wet strains.

he had to think of Shinra's words. The doctor had told him to not force Izaya to anything or make him say or so things he didn't want to and yet- he just wanted to stay here for fucks sake.

Just make sure nothing happened to him at least until he found those bastards and killed them. Words were on the tip of his tongue, words that really shouldn't be spilt and yet he couldn't help but want to just say them out loud.

Tell the flea just what he looked like, how weak he seemed to be and how much this whole incident had affected him.

Tell him just how much he was able to see the fear in his eyes and the confusion obviously ruling the louse´s mind.

Tell him, that he needed him, or at least someone, anyone.

He told him before in the rain. He told him how he couldn't stay home alone because he just freaked out.

So why wasn't he accepting his help already? Because of their past?

It was then that the flea suddenly moved and got up from the ground making the blond snap out of his thoughts.

For a moment he thought he was going to tell him to fuck off again, tell him to just leave, but no- "Welcome to my apartment then." He was pleasantly surprised.

Izaya's hand slipped into his coat's pockets and drew a silver key out of it. Clattering and clanking it unlocked the door to his apartment. Without any noise the door swung open and the raven stepped inside.

A light switch was turned on. Shizuo followed him right behind. now he was here again. It wasn't the first time he was in Izaya's apartment and yet right now it was somewhat different. Different to the times he just rushed in here to beat him up or chase him away and different to today morning as well.

"What about you?" Confused by the question the blond rose an eyebrow at the raven.

"What?" the flea merely pointed at his own set of clothes.

Dark and cold the fabric clung to his skin.

"You are drenched too if you didn't notice." True.

After agreeing to help Izaya find those bastards he hadn´t exceptionally paid attention to the weather around them. Considering it had been raining ever since he saw him sit on that bench it was no wonder he was drenched as well though.

Well not that he minded.

"I will survive, haven't gotten sick even once in my life so far," he explained with a shrug only to make Izaya hum in response.

"Seriously? Sounds like cheating to me."

Was it?

"You are going to drench everything in here though if you keep running around like this," the raven pointed out further, and he didn't even need to point at the ground to make the blond look down and notice that he was really getting everything wet.

Water was clinging to his pants, leisurely dripping down onto the ground only to be left and form a small puddle.

A frown crossed Shizuo´s expression and he sighed.

"I'm not going to go home just for some clothes," he made clear, not intending to move from this apartment again. Who knew? by the moment he returned the flea could have changed his mind already about letting him stay beside him. or even worse, since he was so stubborn the flea might as well make use of the chance to just disappear altogether once he returned.

A vein popped on the blond´s forehead as he wondered if maybe this was exactly what Izaya was going to try now. but no.

"Namie is keeping some clothes for her brother in her desk, don't ask me what for I just saw her stuff them in there. They could fit you I assume." He had walked over to the woman´s desk and pulled out the mentioned pieces of clothes.

He wasn't trying to get rid of him again it seemed.

Catching the clothes being tossed towards him he watched the raven disappear into what seemed to be his bedroom. He had wondered the night before whether it would be wiser to let the raven sleep on the couch or whether he should move him to the bedroom. But Considering what had happened to the flea he had figured touching and carrying the flea round in his sleep with the chance of him waking up and not knowing what was going on wasn't exactly the wisest move and let him sleep on the couch instead.

Taking a look at the shirt and pants he had been thrown he deemed they were about his size, just as the raven had said and started undressing.

It took him merely a minute to get the clothes off and half more to get dressed again.

the flea seemed to take much longer than that though as the blond stood there- now changed as the louse had wished for, and waited.

The only sound giving him company was the clock hanging on the wall next to the door. Moving her arms steadily she gave of the familiar ticking sound he was used to hear from his own tiny alarm clock inside his bedroom at home.

Creaking the couch protested as he let himself slump down on top of it, deciding that he would just wait here.

This was the first time he was actually here… in peace. Sure he had slept here the night before, sitting on the couch next to the raven, but that wasn't the same thing. The flea had been asleep and Shizuo didn't move from his side the whole night.

But now that he was left to wander around like this… Getting up again he let his fingers brush along the books neatly placed inside the bookshelf.

It felt… somewhat lonely in this apartment.

It was only after what felt like years that the raven finally returned from the bedroom again.

"From flea to a rat though, did my status go up?" he asked right off the bat as he emerged from his room again, as if to try and avoid the blond questioning why he had taken so long in the first place.

But Shizuo didn't intend to pry anyway.

"Nah you are still an annoying little louse," he answered with a shrug.

It was only now that he actually caught sight of something he hadn't noticed before.

There was a phone- a broken one to be precise. Resting next to the door actually.

If he didn't know it better he would have almost thought Izaya might have just gotten mad and thrown it across the room- but then again that was only something Shizuo would do.

Izaya had noticed Shizu-chan´s stare as well- aiming towards one of the more recent outbursts he had had.

Hah, talking about outbursts…

_Want to fuck me against my will too?!_

_Want to tell me I deserve it? What a good boy I am?!_

Good boy.

Disgusting. It made him want to throw up and kill the guys at the same time.

Just what had he even been thinking before? Izaya was irritated, angry at himself for acting that way

Especially for acting that way in front of Shizuo.

"Shizu-chan about earlier-"

"Didn't know you were a bookworm, did you actually read all those books?"

Blinking the raven paused, looking towards the shelf, then back at Shizu-chan.

"Uh- yeah I did."

Did the blond just purposely avoid the topic?

"I see." Again silence followed.

It seemed like he really did. It relieved the raven. At least this topic he could forget.

"What now?"

The blond felt awkward to say the least. He didn't know what they should talk about and what not.

"... Well I will be heading to bed," the raven announced after a while- and it was only now that Shizuo actually read that clock he had been looking at. It was already past midnight. he hadn't noticed at all-

"Then I will stay here I guess," he answered in response almost glad for the break. he really wanted to help Izaya somehow, but only sticking around without knowing what to say or do it was sort of making him somewhat tense.

"Like a dog," the raven commented as he moved over to his bedroom once more.

"Shut up flea." The words were somehow hurting his own ears- he didn't want to treat Izaya like… this. He felt as though he was already kicking someone wounded and yet… it was how they always behaved, it was what they were used to.

And maybe that was exactly what Izaya wanted the most right now.

He didn't lash out, nor did he cry again so maybe, it was just this.

Familiarity. Behaving and interacting like they always had.

Disappearing in the bedroom the blond merely caught a glimpse of the flea before he was gone again.

Closing the door shut the raven let his head thud against the wooden material for a couple seconds. The idea of the blond sleeping in his living room- it somehow left him at ease. I

He hated to admit it, but it did.

It was almost as if he owned a dog, a bad dog, one that bit not only others but even its owner. The kind of stupid animal that would kill everything it saw lurking around inside his apartment at night.

It was assuring to say the least.

And so he let himself drop into bed. The lamp on his bedside table gleaming reassuring, painting the room in warm red and orange as the raven let his eyes slip shut.

Tomorrow was a new day. he would find them, Shizu-chan would kill them and then he could finally be at ease.

**to be continued~**

**Ahhh I'm so so so incredibly sorry gosh- I know I took more than just ages to update this story TAT oh god it was 4 months... I´m so sorry TATATATATAT i'm really sorry for that omg- I just couldn't write on it gosh xD But now i rearranged the plot and thought of a new twist (which will probs surprise you all) and now I can write on it again xD**

**From now on updates will follow regularly again! big big promise! xD**

**Also, hey hey, peeps i started a twitter account xD I dunno if anyone of you has twitter, but if you do, i´m posting tiny lil spoilers for chapters and previews on pictures I´m drawing and hmmmmm lemme think, well just random shit in between I guess xD Oh and I'm also twittering about delays of chapters and stuff xD -hopefully those won't appear too often- -coughs- xD**

**Just search for "Shirohimesstories or Shirosstories", i dunno cuz one time twitter made me cut my penname short xDD**

**Anyway~ See you next chapter C:**

**That will be updated on 21st September C: for sure! :3**

**See you all~! C:**


	12. --๑-๑ ஜ ๑-Nightmare -๑ ஜ ๑-๑-

**-Izaya´s point of view-**

It was dark. Cold.

He couldn't see a thing. No wait, he could- there was a source of light. Glimmering, glowing softly it was illuminating the darkness.

A glance was sneaked to his phone´s screen being carried in his right hand.

10pm- it was cold, the wind was blowing- what was he doing outside?

Izaya frowned, blinked and rubbed at his eyes, this place- this place, wasn't it Shizu-chan´s-

"Izaya-kun~" and suddenly his blood ran cold- his breath hitched and his throat constricted painfully-

His head snapped around, his hand slipped inside his coat's pocket trying to grasp the blade resting inside, but his wrist was grabbed and forced from his body before he was even able to react. Harsh and tight his arm was forced away and suddenly something hard met the back of his knees making the raven lose his footing-

A fist suddenly met the side of his skull and he was pressed down onto the ground.

Harsh the cold concrete met the raven´s face as he tried to regain his senses.

Anger welled up inside his blood, he wanted to slash the asshole now sitting on his back, he wanted to kill the asshole, but there was already another one keeping his arms in place and the shadow of a third sneaking up on him.

"You-!" the raven groaned, pushed against the ground, tried to heave himself up from the dangerous trap, but it was no use-

"Orihara-kun~" and suddenly the man was whispering right into the raven´s ear- Izaya's eyes snapped wide open, a shudder of disgust making its way down his spine as he tried to force his way away- tried to move- but he couldn't-

A sense of panic was overwhelming him at the sheer force and strength of his opponents. He tried to move his hands, tried to twist his head and if only to bite the bastards but he couldn't- he couldn't-

And suddenly there were hands-

Hands on the hem of his pants.

Nausea wracked his senses- his breath hitched and he screamed-

He screamed loud, forced all the air out of his lungs that he could gather only for a fist to meet his head from the side so hard it made the raven´s vision go black for a second.

Just black, filled with darkness, he could hear voices he could hear grunts-

Pain-

"STOP-" hoarse, strained, the word spilled from his throat as the raven shot up- he wasn't outside anymore- the texture beneath his palms was soft, the air warm. Sheets were tangled between his legs and he could feel the cold sweat run down his back as he gripped the fabric beneath his fingertips.

Frowning, cringing the raven tried to calm his breath, tried to breathe properly while his chest moved up and down at an accelerated speed. He could hear the blood pump through his ears-

Nausea was wracking his senses and his eyes squeezed shut in an attempt to chase away the pictures that resurfaced from his mind.

"Izaya?" Flinching violently the raven's head snapped to the bedroom's door. For a second Izaya's heart skipped a bet, seeing the shadow, seeing that there was indeed someone standing in the doorframe- someone that was coming for him to get him-

It took the raven a second to realize and remember just who it was he had allowed to stay over.

"Are you okay?" the shadow moved, coming closer- the moon was barely illuminating the room, but the blond hair was standing out nonetheless.

Swallowing harsh the raven let his hand run through his hair with a deep sigh.

"It's nothing, just had a dream," he replied, truthfully and honest- the shock was still settled too deep within his bones to try and wave the blond off again with a lie and a smile on his lips.

Upon lifting his head to look at the brute once more he realized his mistake however.

Shizu-chan´s brows were knitted into a deep frown, anger reflecting in those brown eyes of his as his own forehead creased into a deep frown.

Tch-

Pushing the sweaty sheets off his body the raven slipped out of his bed.

"What are you doing?" Was the instant question following his action, but Izaya wasn't feeling up to talk any more than necessary to the blond right now.

Slipping past Shizu-chan he made his way towards the office. The light of the moon and various signs down in the city were managing to illuminate the raven´s office almost entirely-

"Izaya-" the blond called again as the raven moved over to his desk- the computer´s screen reflecting the sign´s light as well. With a sigh the raven stopped in his tracks and turned around, frown still in place.

"I´m not tired anymore," the flea stated, making the blond frown in response. It was barely past 3am. "You can go back to sleep I will just work a bit on the computer."

Just work a bit on the computer, huh?

Shizuo wasn't stupid. He had heard the flea scream- he had yelled something that suspiciously sounded like the word "stop". … and Shizuo didn't need to be a genius to know what it was the flea had to have been dreaming about.

Izaya was turning around again, facing the computer screen, but Shizuo was faster.

Before the raven knew it the body of the blond was slipping between the raven´s hand and its way towards the power button. Effectively blocking Izaya's way.

"It´s 3 am," the blond merely stated, a frown matching Izaya's creasing through his forehead as he looked at the louse.

"So? Think I never pulled an all-nighter?" the raven questioned in a sarcastic manner. It wasn't the first time he just skipped on a bit of sleep. He didn't get why the blond was being stubborn about it now either.

"Izaya, you can't just not sleep." A sigh left the raven´s lips, a hand finding its way towards his temples. Honestly, why couldn´t Shizu-chan do what Izaya wanted him to? Just once?

He wasn't in the mood to deal with the blond, not when that lump was still stuck inside his throat and that nauseating feeling had a tight grip on his neck.

A few seconds passed, neither of them said anything. The silence and the fact that Izaya didn't instantly come up with new excuses already told Shizuo more than he needed to know about the raven´s state.

"You think I will just go back to sleep now because you are asking me to?" Izaya questioned, that hand slipping back down to his side as he tilted his head. He didn't know what the big deal was. It was just sleep god damnit, if he wanted to work on his computer then why the hell should´t he?

"You could at least try to-" Shizu-chan started again, but for some reason it only angered the raven to a point it shouldn't actually.

"Shizu-chan, move," Izaya ordered with a trembling sigh- why did he even let this brute stay over? He should have kicked him out in the first place then he wouldn't have to rectify every goddamn thing he was doing.

"No," was the solid answer the idiot gave still standing there blocking the way.

"Shizu-chan," the raven repeated, a sudden feeling of desperation and anger filling him. Why was the brute being so difficult? Just why?!

A mix of feelings was starting to swirl, making his chest feel tighter than it was as he tried to contain the anger welling up his throat.

"I said no," Shizu-chan repeated, yet again, and this time Izaya was just too tired to keep up trying to convince the brute-

He didn't even know what he was thinking, but he found himself pushing at the blond faster than he could even reconsider. What did he even want to do?Shove him away?pull him away from the computer? laughable- and yet at that moment he just didn't think twice about it.

"Can you just move?" the raven asked with a hiss, pushed at the blond, but of course he didn't budge in the slightest.

Shizuo was surprised to say the least- but that didn't change his mind in the slightest. Izaya had been badly hurt in various senses- skipping of sleep was something that definitely was not on the top list of how to get better.

"Izaya you look like shit, and staying up isn't going to help you there, just catch some good rest and-"

"Why can't you just shut up?!" Before the blond knew it the raven was not only pushing at him, no- now he was straight out hitting him. Izaya was. His hands had curled up into fists as they met Shizuo´s chest- It hurt. Not the punches, but Izaya's expression that he was wearing while executing them.

"Go away!" the raven was getting louder, almost yelling by now- a sense of desperation was layered thick in his voice- anger, sadness-

"I don't need you!" he repeated-

It stung. Not the way Izaya tried to force him away, but the way Izaya's expression churned painfully. Shizuo almost had the feeling Izaya wasn't even talking to him anymore. This wasn't just about working some on the computer.

Repeatedly the fists met his chest, one after the other. Shizuo didn't know what to do- it almost seemed as if the raven were taking out something on him- frustration maybe, pent up anger, he didn't know.

And yet-

"Hey, Izaya," he tried, his arms risen in an attempt to catch one of the wrists midair.

He was hitting as hard as he could, Shizuo wasn't hurt by that though, that was not the point- catching one of the fists midair the raven stopped his assault in furry. His teeth were grit, he glared at the blond-

He tried to pull away, tried to free his hand, but Shizuo´s grip was the same unbeatable one as ever.

"Izaya, wait-" he tried but the flea wasn't even listening- he was hitting his arm was tried to turn away, pull away-

"Why can't you just go away?!" he screamed, he pulled, and all of a sudden there was something the blond hadn´t quite expected.

Tears. Like traitors they suddenly spilled from Izaya´ s lashes. The raven squeezes his eyes shut, violently rubbed across his eyes as if to ignore they were there in the first place as he tried to get the blond´s hand off.

"Why can't you just-" the raven repeated, but somehow he choked on that lump inside his throat. The words faded out, same as the power did with which he tried to get rid of the blond. The fist Shizuo was holding onto relaxed, lost the tension it had been tightened with- The other hand travelled back to Izaya's face, covering it barely as the traitors spilled from his eyes- and this time they didn't stop.

Izaya was glaring, was trying to keep up the anger, but it was no use.

"Iza-" but Shizuo´s own voice faded out at the sight. Izaya was glaring, frowning, but he looked so lost, so small.

Tch-

Fuck.

Before the raven could even react there was a pair of arms wrapping around his frame. Left, right, and he found himself being pulled into a tight hug. Izaya´s wrist was free- he could slip away from the blond, he could hit him again- but he didn't want to anymore. Not now, when he was feeling so cold and Shizu-chan was being this warm against his skin.

He was tired of this. Letting his forehead thud against the blond´s shoulder the raven gave up- he didn't even know what he was fighting the blond for. Over his computer? Really? No.

Brushing across the raven´s back softly he held the flea close.

He could feel his fast heartbeat, hear his ragged breath and choked attempts of repressed sobs.

"You piss me off," angry and sort of defeated the raven´s muffled voice reached his ears, but he only tightened the hug in response.

"I know." There were hands on the blond´s back, grasping the white shirt tightly.

"Why are you even here?" Another quiet question followed seeking for an answer the flea could live with.

"I guess you could say I owe you," the blond answered- and it certainly was not an answer the raven had expected.

"Owe? What did I do that you own me?" he questioned, his brain searching for an event, for a possible moment that Izaya actually helped Shizu-chan out in- …. but none came to mind.

"Things." And Shizu-chan´s response wasn't exactly helpful in finding out what it was about either.

The raven swallowed- the tears had died down again, seriously he wondered when he had turned into such a crybaby.

Pushing at the blond´s chest he made Shizu-chan back off again. But he wasn't doing it harshly. He wasn't mad anymore.

"Well whatever these things are, I call it even now," he announced, wiping the last of those traitors of his face as he tried to regain his posture. Shizuo´s hands were itching, itching to not let the flea go yet. He wanted to comfort him, to tell him everything was going to be okay so hard it felt like his chest was going to burst.

"Sorry flea, it doesn't work that way," he answered, refraining from doing what he wanted to. He knew Izaya would push him away if he did.

"You are just searching for an excuse to stay here," the flea announced provocatively- he was intending to get a reaction from the blond, something that would tell him what this was about, but no.

"Yep."

Blunt like a matter of fact Shizuo just affirmed his words, leaving the raven only that much more flabbergasted. Honestly, this unpredictability of the blond was something he could never expect.

A sigh left his lips as he let his hand run through his hair.

"Shizu-chan I don't even like myself at the moment okay? Usually I'm all up for pretentions and games of acting but right now I´m not. So don't expect me to treat you any better than myself." He wanted to get things straight. Shizu-chan had never been someone whose feelings he cared about for, but the things Izaya was throwing at him now were different to the usual knives and taunts.

"I never did," the blond replied, taking at least that thought off the raven's mind. "I still want you to sleep though."

A snort left the raven´s lips as he glanced at the blond. Of course. What else had he expected?

**\- Somewhere else...-**

"He visited today?" A voice was speaking, dark, familiar to maybe one person to a degree it might make them vomit.

"Yes, so I can pay you I swear!" it was the guy Shizuo and Izaya had met that day, the one Shizuo almost choked due to his hyperactive behavior around Izaya. He was standing in the door frame, his whole body tense and afraid as he looked at the three men in front of him.

"Hoh, so the tight bitch is still alive," one of the man said, confusing the guy.

"I will contact him and then-" but he didn't even get to say the rest because suddenly there was a hand on his shoulder making him jump in his skin.

"You are lucky man, the news you just delivered freed you from your little debt," one of the men announced with a sweet disturbing grin on his face- making the man look at him wide eyed.

"Freed? You mean-" but the men were already walking away.

Three of them.

**End of the prequel xD**

**Yaaasss - Prequel xD**

**a lot of people will be screaming at me now x'D But yep, I am splitting this story C': There will be a Sequel one day, for sure, I just can´t say when yet xD  
**

**Well then people C': Sowy Iḿ´éńding it here for now C': See chu in the sequel or in my other stories C:**


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